I have never been a nervous person.
I’ve never struggled with my self-identity or really, ever, been self-conscious. But somehow, someway, in the past 20-odd weeks that I have been a sophomore in college, I have developed crippling anxiety. I don’t think that by looking at me you would ever guess that I suffer from anxiety, because I’m generally sociable and pleasant. But as with so much of life, it’s what you can’t see that comes to define the world around you.
My anxiety often manifests itself in the form of “worst case scenario.” If I pass a friend on campus and they don’t say hi, even if I haven’t said hi, I immediately assume that I’ve done something wrong and they’re upset with me. If I get a text from someone with whom I do not regularly speak, I assume that it can only be bad news. I’m sure you’re probably wondering why I don’t just stop thinking like this. Well, dear reader, I’ve tried. I’ve tried and tried and tried and nothing really works. Granted, now I know that I can take a minute and breathe and the chances that everything is just fine are infinitely high, but it’s still that moment of panic that sends me reeling.
And even in just that fleeting moment, so much happens that it’s hard to control. First, my heart begins to race and pound in my ears at a decibel that’s seemingly unfathomable. My knees go weak and my stomach sour. My hands begin to dampen, as though I’m losing my grip on reality. The anxiety consumes my conscience and all the words being spoken around me are suddenly muted beneath this chaos in my mind. It’s numbness, all of it. I am completely numb to everything around me.
But the one thing my anxiety can’t do is define me. Yes, there are some days when I am panicked and isolate myself because for reasons unbeknownst to me, my mind won’t stop pulling me down to that place of unreasonable reasoning. But most days are great days when my heart only races because the boy I have a crush on actually acknowledged my existence or because I got a paper back and was nervous about the grade. I don’t tell many people about it because I, as a product of my constantly over-analyzing mind, fear that people may begin to walk on egg shells around me as a cautionary measure so as to not upset me. You’re probably wondering why in the hell, then, I am writing a published article on this. Well, that’s because I know I’m not the only one who feels this way.
I can see it in the young man whose head is cradled in his hands as he studies for what seems like the millionth hour. I can see it in the young woman who can’t get off the treadmill. I can see it in the faces of so many people who seem, on the surface, to have it all together. Forty million adults in the United States suffer from an anxiety disorder and seventy-five percent of those individuals are diagnosed before they turn twenty-two years old (ADAA). While this is a pretty shocking statistic, it’s really eye-opening as to just how prevalent of an issue this is, even among your own peers. Anxiety disorders don’t always manifest themselves in the form of panic attacks, either. They can present as eating disorders or substance abuse. If you or someone you know is hurting in this way, encourage them to seek help, whether in the form of a counselor or a medical professional. As Plato once wrote, “Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.”
I meditate. I do yoga. I go for runs. I read, a lot. I write. I sleep. I’ve figured out a lot of ways to manage my anxiety so that I can live as a (seemingly) normal, functioning member of society. At the end of the day, I am doing my best. I'm doing all that I can to be my best self and cultivate a positive mindset and work on my mental health.
I’m not really sure what I hoped to gain, if anything, by writing this. But what I have gained in these months of managing my anxiety is a lot more than the weight from indulging one too many times on In’N’Out. I’ve gained this incredible, refreshed outlook on the two and a half years of college I have ahead of me. I’ve gained a refreshed outlook on life, because I’ve realized that sure, my mind jumps to the “worst case scenario” place. But so, so much of life is, quite simply, the best.
