Age fourteen

“Lately I have been feeling kind of un-pretty and fat even though I know it’s not supposed to matter. I’m [x weight]. The only time when guys will talk to me is when I talk to them, I feel insecure about a lot of things right now.”

“I know this isn’t totally true, but so many people judge you by the way you look and not how you act.”

Age fifteen

“I’m feeling kind of depressed and I don’t know why. I’ve learned a lot about myself and others. I keep things inside instead of telling people. I lost 15 pounds without any help. I’ve made practically all my friends myself, I’ve become someone I don’t really like in order for other people to like me.”

“I’m working on losing more weight.”

“Not much has changed, I now weigh [even less]. I’m pretty excited because I went from [x weight] to [x weight], losing 21 pounds. I definitely feel better, and I look better.”

“I’ve been struggling with eating and body image… I would love to lose five pounds, which would put me at [underweight]. I feel like I’ve got to get it together… everyone thinks I’m the perfect daughter…”

“I have an eating disorder. I look like the perfect church kid, the one with good grades, talent, good looks, great friends and adoring guys everywhere but I feel like my façade is slipping away slowly… nothing goes as planned, there’s so much stress and pressure that sometimes I think I’ll explode. I need to talk to someone, but everyone thinks I’m perfect. I need control… I can’t let go yet.”

Age sixteen

“I’m still in the grip of [the eating disorder]. I can’t escape the voices, they tell me what to do. They tell me to exercise more, that I’ll never be beautiful and skinny.”

“Still struggling with [the eating disorder], every waking moment I think about food, I’m obsessed with calories. I can’t seem to find joy in life anymore, it’s all fake, just like my life. I wish I was thin. I wish I could see every bone. I wish I was perfect. Everyone sees the perfect girl on the outside. I’ve fooled them all. I’m playing the ultimate game, one with high stakes and everything to lose. My façade will stay.”

Age seventeen

“It’s not getting better. Life looks perfect, if anything I’m getting better at faking it now. I’m not happy. I’m fat. Sometimes I have good days, sometimes I even forget… but this dark cloud always comes back. I don’t know how to talk to God, I don’t know what to say. I can’t be everything? And I’m still not thin.”

Age eighteen

“I don’t like the person that I am. I don’t like how consumed I am by having control over my life and being perfect. I’ve believed these lies for so long that I don’t know the truth. I never wanted to lose the truth to a lie. If I was to lose these chains, I would crumble. It’s who I am. How can nobody notice that I’m living lies? I’m hopeless, despairing, eating disordered, compulsive, unable to stop in my tracks, nothing that I do is ever enough. It’s a compulsion, the only way I can stop the voices in my head is to make myself perfect, achieving, brilliant, composed and rail-thin, starved of anything disgusting or sinful or weak. I need to be strong above everything else.”

“I feel overwhelmed by all the tasks that I have to accomplish. I am distracted by the constant struggle to lose weight. While I am trying to accomplish all this, even more is expected of me than ever. Lord, please forgive the times in which I hurt my body as a result of mental pain. I know it’s not what you want for me.”

Age nineteen

I am consistently reminded of my weakness. Late nights and early mornings leave me exhausted and running on empty. Emotionally as well, I seem to break down on a weekly basis. Eating is a constant war in my mind, bouncing from eating nothing at all to eating everything. I can’t stop. Every day seems like a series of checks and balances, have I done enough today? Have I kept my calories low enough? My mind can’t rest.”

Age twenty

Praise God, I wasn’t left where I was. By His grace, I am released to a future for His glory. There is life ahead and this year I will live it.

I am FREE.