I've written many stories about you. Read countless poems, articles, and quotes. Watched movies about lost love, and finding it again. Heard songs that make me weak in the knees, and help me understand things I couldn't before. Yet, somehow I can't express to you any of my actual thoughts or feelings.

You're leaving, and it's like my heart is breaking all over again. I wasn't ready the first time you said goodbye, and I'm sure as hell not ready now. But I don't think I ever would be. A few of my articles have been about you, and they said exactly how I was feeling at the time, but now.... I'm lost. I'm lost, because I don't think I could ever truly find the words to make you understand how I'm feeling. I can cry tears in front of you, or tell you I'm going to miss you, but it's not enough. If I could switch bodies with you, and let you feel everything, maybe then all of this will be easier. I can't look at you in the eyes or hug you without wanting to crumble. I'm stronger than both of us realize. But you make me weak, and no matter what I do, you still have that power over me.

I'm writing this not necessarily for you to read, but for me to let go of what I can't seem to when I'm with you. I just want you to think -- think about the words you're reading, and comprehend them with some compassion.

So here it goes;

I loved you more than I ever should have. I gave you time I shouldn't have. I gave you all of me, when you couldn't even give me an ounce. I loved you so much -- to the moon and back -- and I would do it all over again if I could. I don't know if I'm ever going to know how you really felt about me, or how you feel now, so I just have to live with that. I have to live with the uncertainty, and the confusion, but if that means I got to show you real love...that's worth it to me. I've forgiven you for what you did to me. For how you treated me, and didn't always give me the respect I deserve. For how you didn't always take my feelings into consideration. Most importantly, I've forgiven myself for letting you do all these things to me.

I'm aware of everything. I'm not blind to any of it; the looks, the stares, the whispered words. I'm not stupid, I know how it looks. I know how I look. Despite what everyone thinks, and despite the way you are, I stay -- because I care. Too much. I know that, but I'm not going to apologize for the way that I am, because I see how you are and I thank God for giving me the strength to feel everything, but still have hope. I do feel everything; the glances, the unreturned texts, every change of plans -- it hits me and stays until I push it away. Most people would have cursed your name, and left a long time ago, but I couldn't. I didn't feel like it was time yet, no matter how much I asked God why. Or how much I pleaded with him to help me understand why all of this is happening. I don't think the love I had/have for you was ever wasted. I think you needed it -- no matter what you tell yourself. I wanted to love you, and I will never regret that. What I do regret is not saying anything sooner. Instead, I kept my mouth shut and hoped I would catch you on one of your good days. I never want to say that I put up with you -- I hate that phrase, by the way -- and I didn’t. I didn't put up with anything, because I'm not pathetic or scared. Not entirely at least. I put up with it because I'm the kind of person who puts my heart into everything. I have too much hope, and too much faith in people -- even if they hurt me. I put up with it because there will always be a part of me that believes you deserve to be loved unconditionally. I will always cherish the moments, and the words spoken.

There was one morning when we were going to get breakfast, and I was standing in front of my mirror, putting on the necklace you gave me. You were just standing there, staring at me, and then you whispered soft and slowly, "I love you." That will always be my favorite memory of us. I like to believe that in that moment, truth was spoken, and everything was right.

But frankly my dear, you don't deserve me. Not because you're undeserving of love, but because of the way you treat people, treat me, and the way you treat yourself. I will never comprehend how you do what you do, nor do I want to. I don't know what has happened to you, or who has hurt you, but I'm sorry. I really am. I don't know if anyone has told you this, or you have said this to yourself, but you're not your dad and you don't have to be.

I don't care how much you mistreat me, I will always show you love, care, and compassion. I'm not afraid of the demons inside of you, or the pain and anger. You can show me horrible things, and I won't run. But that doesn't give you the right to treat me the way you do. And no, it's not always bad. And you’re not always bad. There have been some great times between us.

I don't know what you tell your friends about me, or if you ever even mention my name, but if you do...tell them how I never gave up on you. How I loved you with complete honesty. Tell them, that after everything, you still choose to hurt me. But I know it wasn't your intention. Speak only kind words about me, because you and I both know I don't deserve anything less. You did not break me, you may have cut me down one too many times, but I'm still standing.

I will never hate you, or hold a grudge. When people ask about you, I won't tell them how many tears I cried or how you broke my heart. I'll tell them about how funny your laugh is, and how adorable you look when you're sleeping; about how much you love your sister; how you could always make me smile no matter how I was feeling; how strong your arms felt when you hugged me, and how the world stopped when you kissed me on the forehead; how in 10 or 20 years, I know you could still make me smile.

Finally, if you learn anything from me, learn what not to do. You can't treat women like they're here for your pleasure. You can't put yourself first in relationships, and you have to respect your partner. You have to open up, and let her inside. Tell her everything, and if she stays, like I would have... don't let her go. Treat her better, and love her for everything that she is and isn't. Make her your only. I know there is someone out there for you who will make you feel what you never could with me. I know you're not a bad guy, so don't act like one.

With all the love in my heart.

--Your angel honey monkey, S-