If you asked me at the beginning of my freshmen year, what I thought would happen over the course of my first year it would be completely different from the truth. In high school I never had a boyfriend, I had a small group of friends and I was in drama club. By my third day of college I met my first boyfriend, I had a large group of friends from orientation, and I signed up for a bunch of clubs. I would never have thought that depression would enter and shake up my world.
My freshmen year I was dating the man who I thought would be the love of my life. He was kind, compassionate, and genuinely seemed to care about me. I mainly hung out with him and stopped seeing my friends that I met at orientation, isolating myself. He was a bit of a partier, which was never really my style, but none the less I stayed with him thinking this was just a small flaw in our 'perfect' relationship. As the relationship progressed so did the partying. I became more concerned about him than myself. I was constantly stressed and I couldn't sleep. It got to the point that I over analyzed everything in my life.
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The range was anywhere from minor things such as, how quickly I brushed my teeth in the morning, to major things, such as how I identified with myself. I was in a constant panic. It felt like a weight was on my chest, pressing harder and harder against me. Bricks of negativity built a house in my head adding to the constant panic. All of this stress would make me cry.
I would be in the middle of class working and crying. Embarrassment fueled my panic, making me drift deeper and deeper into my depressive state. It felt like I was caught in a rip tide struggling against the current to get out and be happy again.
Finally, one day a life raft was thrown to me. One of my professors pulled me out of class and finally asked me what was wrong. As I cried, tears streaming down my face he listened. He said he was concerned that this was distracting me from my work, and that he would make an appointment for me to see a counselor at my university. That day I went and spilled out everything that was going on to the counselor. I felt better for a couple of weeks, but then I hit my rock bottom.
I remember going online and trying to figure out exactly how I felt to explain to my parents. They knew I was upset and depressed but I really wanted them to know exactly how I felt. I found an article and sent the link to my mom saying "this is how I feel all the time," she wrote back to me saying "this scares me what's going on?" That's when I was completely engulfed by the waves. Tears streamed down my face as I called my mom and said "I want to die". I didn't want to kill myself but I hoped for a bus to come squish me in the middle of the road. My mom and I agreed that I needed to see a counselor right away. I explained how I felt and I was given a medical withdrawal from the university in order to find help.
When I was home I began seeing a therapist and was put on medication, to help me cope with my feelings. While meeting with my therapist I learned a few things about myself that I want everyone that feels or felt the way I did to know.
1. You will have good days and bad days.
2. Even though there are clouds in your head today, the sun will come out eventually.
3. If you have friends and family that care about you, they will always be there.
4. Doing something fun will help you forget about being sad.
5. Ask for help when you need it! Someone will come through.
6. The way we love is powerful.
7. You will always be good enough.
8. You were put on this earth for a purpose, you may not know what the purpose is yet, but you will discover it.
9. You are not alone in this.
And most importantly...
10. Depression does not define you as a person. You are not depression, you were just diagnosed with it. Because you will get through this no matter what.
