Sometimes when I wake up, I feel trapped inside. I feel like I can't do or say anything because that will only make things worse. I might not be completely sad, but I'm not completely happy either. And it's not just one thing that's bothering me, it's a bunch of things that come together.
I'm going to set one thing straight: I don't have major depression, it's only mild. Full disclosure: sometimes I harm myself, but I punch myself, usually in the arm, instead of cutting. I try to stay positive when I go to school, but if I see or hear someone or something that triggers a bad memory, I start to feel a little low. The more triggers that pop up, the lower I feel.
Even though I know I have friends who love and support me, I feel so lonely when no one's around. Since I'm on the autism spectrum, negative thoughts about my disability come to mind and I feel isolated. Those are the days where I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I might want to tackle something new, but when the negative thoughts arise, I feel like I can't do that or anything because I'm not confident in myself.
Like I said, even though my depression isn't severe, I knew what rock bottom felt like for the first time since middle school. But I'm not going to let this take over my life.
We all have those bad days where we feel terrible, but not all of my days are bad. I've had some great days with incredible people who made me feel like a somebody. Days like those make you realize who your real friends are. What everyone forgets in the heat of the moment is that everything's temporary. Your problems might not go away immediately, but they won't last forever.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for help or just talking to people. Even though you might feel it's wrong to let it out, if you hold it in, you'll only make yourself worse. Talk to someone who really cares. They may not know exactly what you're going through, but they'll somehow relate.
Depression's not going to control me. It shouldn't control you, either, especially if yours is major. Even though some days I'm troubled, others I feel amazing. In the end, that makes all the difference.
