I was asked to switch gears for a week from my usual rants on how fitness has changed to talk about something near and dear to my heart: football, or more importantly, the NFL. Now, if you know me, you know I bleed blue which means I am a diehard New York Giants fan. But I’m not here to talk about how the Giants again beat the Dallas “Cowgirls”…Cowboys (oops) or how their star wide receiver Dez Bryant was shut down last Sunday night; there is still a search party out looking for him. I’m certainly not here to talk about all their “loyal” fans who seem to spring up out of nowhere the minute they are good again…go figure.
No, I’m here to talk about another pressing issue in the world of professional football: women and their impact or lack thereof. Ok, let me be clear, if you are a diehard fan and a woman then I truly apologize for what I am about to say but there are a lot of posers out there who pretend to follow and yet, have no clue what they are following; it needs to stop.
1. Superbowl groupies.
I wanted to start off with the biggest game of the year. Your season means nothing if you don’t win the Superbowl; that is the only goal of each 32 professional football teams: win the Lombardi Trophy. Year after year, I watch the Superbowl and usually at every Superbowl party, there are women attending who have no idea that a game is even going on, but only care about who is performing at halftime or the annual Budweiser commercial. They show no interest in attempting to watch the game, to only distract us men from it, and then make damn sure we are silent when Beyonce or whoever else performs five songs they’ve sang a million times before.
The commercials are taken too seriously as well because if anything worth seeing was shown, chances are it would wind up on the internet seconds after it airs anyway, so you’re not missing much. I’ve personally have had to make people be quiet during the game one too many times and it just needs to stop. Majority of the women do not even know who is playing or what city that team is from; that’s like if I talked and ruined “The Bachelor” finale for you, you wouldn’t like it, would you? Do your homework and go into the game knowing who is playing and making sure anyone who wants to hear it, can hear the biggest game of the year without any distractions.
2. Liking a team because of a player you think is “hot."
I once had a girlfriend back in college who decided to become a Denver Broncos fan because of Eric Decker. Her favorite 3 seconds of the week was if the Broncos played on Sunday night because NBC lets the players announce themselves within the first five minutes or so, so you get a picture of the player saying his name and school he played for; after that, she would want to turn the game off, are you kidding me? She bought Broncos shirts and was a “diehard” fan…until he left Denver and so did her loyalties to the Broncos.
If you are going to try to follow a team, please pick a team because you like the team and not an individual player. There are more players in the league not named Eric Decker or Tom Brady. Be knowledgeable of the other 52 players than the one you admire and let your boyfriend watch the whole game so that no arguments arise. Men and now ex-boyfriends everywhere thank you.
3. Picking a team based on their colors.
I’m sorry, is this still a thing I need to address; it seems like a woman’s allegiance to a team changes from week to week based on how she dresses. I’ve seen a girl one week wearing Giants blue and Dallas silver the next, but it never stays the same; I just gave you two example of teams in the same division, that is NOT allowed!
“I’m going to class in my generic Eli Manning jersey to support MY team because that shade of blue happens to match with my shoes today.” This is some form of hell on Earth I’m sure of it. Are you trying to score extra brownie points with a guy? Because if he thinks you’re a true fan and you end up looking like an idiot then…no wait a minute, men are shallow, so you might get away with it.
4. “Damn it, I lost in fantasy by a point!”
Ah, the weekly struggles of a fantasy football player and every woman’s annoyance. Ladies, let your man play fantasy football and give him time to grieve if he loses. Women don’t get fantasy or at least the majority don’t get it or care to get it but let me break it down for you like this: Fantasy leagues are played for money, money equals good, good equals boyfriend spending goodness on you; yay for fantasy football.
Yes, that was condescending and intended to be as such because fantasy football is gambling basically which means money is involved; money to take you out on nice dinners for example. For six days, we are humble servants but on the seventh, the Lord’s day of fantasy football…let us enjoy in peace and console us if Tom Brady throws to Julian Edelman but he gets stopped a yard short of the endzone and then the Patriots decide to run the ball in with another player! The previous sentence was based on real life experiences. Trust me, you haven’t seen a man cry before until he loses in fantasy.
5. “You know they can’t hear you yelling from your couch, right?”
No, I don’t know that. Maybe, one of these days, the Giants will hear me yelling at them for calling stupid plays that results in another punt. Maybe, Eli won’t throw into double or triple coverage because he heard me yelling at him; a guy can dream, can’t he? Women don’t understand situational football or schemes or routes involved in football. My personal favorite is when a girl asks to throw a football around and you give her the simplest route to run which in my mind is the classic “go” route or hail mary (same thing), and they still don’t understand what to do. “Just run straight and I’ll throw you the ball,” yet they never seem to catch the ball.
If you want to follow football, know the why’s and what’s of the game. Know that a safety, for example, is two points and that it means the offense is backed up to be inside their own end zone and either the quarterback is sacked, running back is tackled in the end zone, a penalty occurs in the end zone; there are a lot of possibilities…you get my point. Please understand how a team gets a first down and the basic rules of the game, not only for the sake of men everywhere and having to explain it to you every single week, but to make the game more enjoyable for you.
I wrote down a list of so many more things I could talk about but I think I’ve ensured enough hate mail for one week so I’ll end it here. I hope I’ve inspired you to take a considerable interest if you decide to watch football or at the very least made you laugh again. If I’ve insulted you then I am sorry, but I am not the only man who thinks this; just keep that in mind for the playoffs in January.
