Social etiquette is mostly a matter of common sense. If a question makes you uncomfortable, then do not ask it. If you approach a stranger, then stick to “small talk”. If you don’t know someone, then don’t assume something about them. However, for some strange reason, these are rules that many people either do not know about or choose to ignore.

I was recently approached by a woman who asked me, “Do you speak Spanish?” I do, but not enough to have a conversation with someone, especially a native speaker. I can speak enough to find a bathroom or pass a Spanish introduction course. So, I shook my head “no” and was preparing to go on my merry way when the woman began yelling at me for “not taking pride in my heritage.” I stood there, frozen, being screamed at by a complete stranger who’d inaccurately judged me based solely on my appearance.

This has happened to me several times in my life. I’ve encountered questions like, “Well, obviously you’re Asian, but what kind?” to, “What are you?” Even though this has happened to me several times, I am still at a loss for words each time it happens. My brain gets stuck on the idea of a complete stranger asking me something that is rather socially inappropriate, if not a bit too personal. Later on, I always come up with clever retorts because naturally, it’s on my mind hours later

To be clear, I am half Hawaiian and half Italian. I don’t know if this is a strange or rare combination, but it is my combination. I don’t think I’m particularly strange looking. I have the required amount of limbs. I’ve got two eyes, a nose and a mouth. My hair grows in black and my skin grows in rather pale. I’m told that it’s sort of a natural shade of “goth” (another judgment I always enjoy getting from strangers). I tan when I am in the sunlight. I eat food and drink water. All in all, I’m rather normal. I do not wear a sign inviting people to guess my heritage.

So, what’s the problem here?

Well, the snap judgment is incorrect about half the time. In my case, it’s been incorrect 100 percent of the time. Though, I’d be just as offended if someone came up to me and asked me if I was Hawaiian or Italian. It’s just not something you should do. Social norms and relationship rules call for proper disclosure. You might talk about the weather. You might talk about the location where you’ve crossed paths. You might comment on someone’s sports-ball hat or ironic T-shirt.

Judging or prying into a stranger’s heritage is incredibly inappropriate. Why is this inappropriate? Well, there’s nothing that gives you the authority to berate a stranger. It’s a rather audacious move and is wholly unacceptable. Some people identify with their heritage, others do not. And, it’s really none of your business. We take too many liberties in judging people we do not know. A human being is made up of some much more than just their ethnic background or political affiliation. Making assumptions based on what is most obvious often leads to misconceptions, miscommunications and negative altercations.

Also, playing a “guessing” game with someone’s genetic makeup is something that makes them uncomfortable. It might also make them feel insecure about their appearance. In today’s world, it might even make them feel unsafe. Your actions, regardless of intent, can have lasting consequences for someone else.

So, if you’re curious about someone new, then start by maybe introducing yourself.