Dear Mom,

There are so many things that I want to say to you, things that I wish I could say to you. I wish I could know that this letter could be printed out, and physically given to you; it could have been something for you to read in bed at the end of your very long day, with a glass of wine. I wish it could be happy, cheerful, and I wish it could discuss the things that we did together this past week- but it isn't, and it won't.

My letter to you is not meant to be forgiving, or unforgiving. It is meant to be something that helps me cope, as well as something that helps me organize my thoughts about what happened to you, and what happened to me.

I just wish that you had known that I loved you, and that I still love you; I love you so much, in fact, that I miss you more than anything, everyday, despite what you did. I am not trying to be accusatory, I can understand why you decided to end your own life. I can understand, because I have had the same thoughts. I've had friends who have had the same thoughts, I know of people who have carried out these thoughts, and I want you to know that your decision no longer comes to me as selfish. I know you thought that it was the best way to take care of things, I know that by committing suicide you felt that you would end your pain- and it did, at least I hope.

I just wish that I had more time with you. I wish I could have been there for you when you needed me, and I wish that I could have stopped you from taking yourself away from me. You were a part of me that no one would ever be able to replace, you gave me life, you nurtured me, you "got it" when no one else did. Even though we had a rocky history, and that we would fight, that never made me wish that you were gone.

I just want to know why you thought that I would be okay with you leaving me? I want to know why you thought I wasn't good enough for you to stay. Maybe you didn't think either of those things, maybe you just decided that this was the best way without even thinking of me? And not just me, but the other people who loved you so immensely. I didn't realize it then, but I have needed you more than ever in the years that you have been gone. I miss you so much, mom, and I just want to know how you could go so easily.

I think of you everyday. I think of you when I hear girls talk about their moms, saying, "My mom is literally my best friend," or, "My mom is coming over and I'm so excited." I wish I could say those things. Instead, I'm the girl that eventually has to say, "my mom passed away" and then explain that it wasn't cancer, it wasn't an accident, it wasn't a heart attack- it was a noose combined with major depression.

I wish that I wouldn't have to eventually tell your story to those I become close to. I wish I could relate to them and say that you were the one that helped me pick out my dresses for homecoming and prom. I wish I could say that you were there to talk to me about my first real boyfriend. I wish that I could say that you were there to hug me, and kiss me, and tell me how proud you were of me when I graduated, when I got awards, when I got good grades, and when I got back up from falling. I wish that you were there in the crowd at my games, and I wish that we had nights where we laid on the couch together eating ice cream and watching movies. All of these experiences that have been skipped hurt me so much, but it hurts me more knowing that you will not be there on the day of my marriage, the day I have my first child, and the day that I have too much going on where I just need my you. I wish I could have you in the way that these girls have their own mothers. Mom, you have ripped out a part of my heart, but I love you too much not to forgive you. I love you so much.

Despite all of these things, I can't say that everything that came out of your death was negative; losing you molded me into who I am and who I want to be, and also invited some incredible people into my life. Because of you, I am stronger, I am open, I am forgiving, and I am an incredible advocate for happiness. Everyday, I wake up thinking of you and my family, and think, "How can I be better to those around me?" and through that, I've met some of my best friends, and I feel closer to my family than I ever have before. I can't tell you how much they all have helped me with coping with your loss, but I want you to know that I am well taken care of and I am reminded every day that I am loved.

You have inspired me, because of you I want to become a psychiatrist. That includes a bachelors degree, medical school, residency, and so, so, so many tests (as well as other things). It will be, by far, the hardest thing I will ever do- but I will do it. Not only because I lost you through mental illness, but because I want to help people with issues similar to yours; I want to better lives, I want to help end someone's misery in a healthy way, I want to lower the rate for suicide. I have such a deep desire for all of these things, and I have you to thank for igniting that fire within me that I didn't even know I had.

I miss you, mom, and although this letter was short; it is all I have for now. My questions fluctuate, so I am sure that there will be another letter addressed to you soon. Again, I wish that this was something that I could have done physically, but that will not happen for a little while. I know that I will see you again, I just miss you more than ever, and I want you to come back to me. I love you so much mom, I will write you soon.

All my Love,

Your Daughter