A week and a half ago, I finally said goodbye to someone I was told to move on from, but most of you know that. But here's the thing, he's not the one who told me, his friend did. The worst part? He hasn't even denied that that's what he wants, because he hasn't responded to anything in the past three weeks. He didn't respond to my "Hey what's up?" and he certainly didn't respond to the text about how I was done talking to him because his best friend told me to. And I wish I could say that since then, he hasn't crossed my mind. But that would be the biggest lie I ever told to myself.
Sure, I'm thinking about him as much. I'm doing okay. At least, I was doing okay, until last night. I had a dream about him. And it wasn't some random dream either. He was explaining to me why he stopped talking to me and how it was a mistake. Do you understand how disappointing it was to wake up and realize that I still had no explanation and still no him in my life? It was really sad. Like I woke up, and I closed my eyes, hoping to go back to that moment in my dream when everything was okay. Consciously, you weren't on my mind, but sub-consciously you were the only thing there. I'm thinking about him less, but then when I do think about him, it hurts more than ever before.
I thought that by a week later I would be fine. But I'm not fine. I'm just okay. That's it, just okay. I'm doing more, and I'm looking at my phone less. I'm hanging out with more guys. But, he still crosses my mind. The other day, I was listening to Pandora. And this song comes on and I stopped what I was doing and walked over to my laptop to skip it, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. It was the song that I slow danced to for the first time. And the first time I slow danced with him. I just sat there, in the middle of my floor, listening to this song, wondering why I'm still holding on. Every time I talk to my mom, she tells me to forget about it. But like I said, consciously, I wasn't, but subconsciously he was there.
So this is what I am doing. I'm hanging out with girls on my floor, I started reading books a lot more. I'm staying away from Taylor Swift songs for the time being, and I'm actually making conversation with boys. Not anything romantic obviously, but I'm trying to make more guy friends. I'm not trying to make him jealous, but I want him to see that without him, I can function. And that over time, I'll move on fully. Which is what he wanted, right?
I wish I could say that my heart heals as fast the Flash, but it doesn't. But there's hope. There is always hope. And no one, must ever lose sight of that.
