Pooping, taking a dump, dropping a load, crapping, evacuating bowels, a B.M., code brown, taking a deuce, a number two—no matter what it's called, everybody does it. But why spend so much time talking about pooping and creating names for it, as people have clearly done, when one part of the process is more significant: wiping yourself? There are two widely used forms of cleansing post-poop, and which form you prefer says quite a lot about you. The toilet paper proponent is commonly practical and private about the process, while he or she who uses wipes is far more experienced. You could even say the avid wipe user is more of a pooping aficionado; however, one age-old question remains. Which is better: wipes or toilet paper?

WIPES:

The pros: Wipes are simply better mechanisms for cleaning; they are antibacterial and their wetness makes residue impossible. It's safe to say that they keep your underwear pretty safe. No more streaks! In addition, the best part about them is that they make you feel cleaner. A clean butt means a clean and clear mind. Wipe users never get distracted by that maddening itch of an unclean butt.

The cons: Sadly, downsides exist for wipes. Mainly, public bathrooms do not supply them. Wipe connoisseurs must always have a pack with them in case they ever need to poop in a public restroom. Additionally, wipes cost far more money than toilet paper. So if you are strapped for money and do not want to end up like Will Ferrell at the end of "Step Brothers," wipes are not for you.

Toilet Paper:

The pros: Affectionately known as T.P., toilet paper is the most convenient way to clean up after you drop a load. Public bathrooms almost always have toilet paper (though sometimes they do run out). Moreover, there is variety in toilet paper. Coming in one-ply, two-ply or even three-ply, it fits the need of consumers of all economic backgrounds.

The cons: Tragically, toilet paper is no cleaning utensil of perfection. Its dryness and thinness makes it far less efficient than wipes. It can take a nearly innumerable amount of squares to be sufficiently clean with toilet paper. Even worse, there is always the chance of the paper breaking mid-wipe thus ruining your day by getting poop on your hand. It's an awful feeling to have to clean poop off of your hands. Similarly, no one enjoys sitting at work or in class and feeling the horrors of toilet paper pieces in his or her bottom, either. Toilet paper just makes for a less comfortable outcome.

The Verdict:

Sorry toilet paper lovers and leaf-wipers (who probably have poison ivy), wipes are clearly the best option available. They are far more efficient and comfortable than any other option and thus are worth the slightly increased price. Any frequent pooper should carry wipes with them in order to correctly clean themselves. I recommend an environmentally friendly version; let's take care of the Earth, everyone.

Final Thoughts:

Unless some god(dess) of poop or cleanliness sends the perfect butt cleaning system down to us mortals from the heavens, we are stuck with wipes as the best option. Bidets are an alternative, but they will never work ubiquitously. What person wants to have water shoot up his or her butt in a public bathroom?