I saw "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" five times in theaters when it first came out. I was a macabre child. But I still believe that the original can't hold a candle to the 2005 remake, mostly due to the hilariously sociopathic attitude Johnny Depp brings to his role as Willy Wonka. When I saw that it had finally been added to Netflix, I knew what I had to do: break out the Franzia and record my thoughts on one of my childhood favorites, partly as an experiment to test my observational capabilities once the last drop had left the box, and partly because I want to be taken seriously as a writer and I'm positive that this will be my magnum opus.
So here they are, my 102 semi-censored thoughts on Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, relatively free of inhibitions:
1. Chocolate-making shouldn't be this weird and sterile.
2. Wow this seems like a really inconvenient and costly way to make candy. How does Willy Wonka stay in business?
3. Why does this candy factory look like a maximum security Russian prison?
4. What kind of last name is Bucket?
5. No wonder you’re so ordinary and poor, Charlie. Your last name is Bucket.
6. WATCH OUT CHARLIE IT’S BELLATRIX LESTRA oh it’s just your mother.
7. This kid collects toothpaste caps. To build a scale model of a factory. Isn't that a sign of a serial killer?
8. Making chocolate birds is so unsanitary. Again, how does Willy Wonka stay in business?
9. Why does Willy Wonka dress like a pimp?
10. Chocolatepalacechocolatepalacechocolatepalace.
11. RIP Chocolate Palace.
12. FICKLEGRUBER?
13. PRODNOSE?
14. SLUGWORTH?
15. I WOULD NEVER BUY CANDY FROM ANY OF THEM. Those are such obvious villain names. That’s like buying candy from a guy named Lucifer von Stalin.
16. Wait the Buckets use the old people bed as a dinner table. That’s so subtly tragic.
17. Then why can't I stop laughing? Oh, wine.
18. I know they’re poor but why is Charlie's bed right under the snowy hole in the roof? Common sense doesn’t cost money, Charlie.
19. Wow this Golden Ticket thing is a genius marketing strategy. Those people are trampling each other to get to that candy.
20. Yay you found the first ticket, congrats Little Aryan Gloop.
21. Wait I think I’m Augustus Gloop. My ticket would definitely have a bite mark in it.
22. His mom said “he eats so many candy bars a day” like she was proud. Sit down, ma’am.
23. VERUCA? HA.
24. There has to be some kind of a union rule against making your employees unwrap candy every day.
25. *Mrs. Salt silently drinks a martini in the background*
26. Mrs. Salt is my spirit animal.
27. “Whipple-Scrumptious Fudgemallow Delight” will be my stripper name if this writing thing doesn't work out.
28. “Whatever happens, you’ll still have the candy” is my new motto. Put that on my tombstone.
29. Oh my God he’s sharing his once-a-year candy bar with his family. What a goon.
30. And his grandma is just sniffing the chocolate. Somebody get her medication.
31. Why do Violet and her mother dress exactly alike?
32. And why do they both have bowl cuts?
33. And why does her mom have a bowl cut with bangs?
34. 400 trophies in the living room but no TV?! Violet deserved to lose the contest.
35. What is wrong with this family?
36. Teavee? Oh, I get it.
37. What year does this movie take place in? It looks like Tim Burton took all the worst parts of the 40s-80s, threw them together, and spray painted the whole thing grey. Classic Burton.
38. Sweet combover, Mr. Teavee. You can hardly tell you're 80% bald.
39. “In the end I only had to buy one candy bar.” So you think you're something special?
40. HAHAHAHAHA the Golden Ticket contest put Mr. Bucket out of a job.
41. Yeah Charlie, don't give that money you just found to your destitute family. Buy more candy instead. I guess that's what happens when you're raised by Bellatrix LeStrange.
42. WHY IS THERE A GOLDEN TICKET TWO BLOCKS FROM THE FACTORY?
43. “All the chocolate you could ever eat.” Somehow I don’t think he expected you, Augustus Gloop.
44. These kids are staring each other down and I'm a little intimidated.
45. Violet and her mother really need to stop dressing alike.
46. Somebody remix this puppet song.
47. Oh Lord, the puppets are melting.
48. I seriously can't deal with the flaming robots, the mother/daughter twins, and the Gloop Globs all at the same time. Somebody help me.
49. Johnny Depp, give me your sunglasses. Now.
50. And those purple leather gloves, too.
51. Hello, I'm Willy Wonka, welcome to my factory, let me insult you.
52. "I'm Augustus Gloop, I luff your sho-co-latt." "I can see that." Dzamn, ice cold.
53. His shudder when Violet hugs him is my life in a nutshell.
54. “I always thought a veruca was a type of wart you got on the bottom of your foot.” *silence* (I just Googled it. He's right. Also, don't Google "veruca".)
55. Willy Wonka just spent a solid five minutes insulting children.
56. “Let’s be friends.” “Best friends.” - freshmen on the first day of college.
57. Wow, candy room. You can tell Augustus just glooped himself.
58. And of course Teavee just starts smashing candy. Put this kid on Vivance.
59. I learned to save my gum behind my ear from Violet Beauegarde and I'm still doing it a decade later. I really need to break that habit.
60. Augustus seriously couldn’t wait for Willy to finish his story before he started eating again?
61. I wouldn't either.
62. Those kids are not even phased by the almost-certain death of another kid on the tour. What is wrong with these little children of the candy corn?
63. I want Oompa Loompas at my funeral to sing about how I died.
64. Willy Wonka: The Man Who Feared No Lawsuit.
65. Violet’s mom is hitting on Willy Wonka. She really wants her daughter to win this thing.
66. Why does Willy Wonka keep having PTSD-style flashbacks?
67. Oh, right, because his dad threw his candy in the fireplace as a child. If my dad tried to pull that crap I would have put myself up for adoption.
68. Willy Wonka whips cows to get whipped cream, for the love of God, somebody call PETA.
69. If Wonka makes Everlasting Gobstopper for kids with just a little allowance money, what does he make for people up to their armpits in student loan debt?
70. Okay, Wonka, if you didn’t want the kids to eat the gum why would you let Violet have it? She never shuts up about how much gum she chews.
71. OH wait you DID want her to chew it. I get it now. Wink wink, nudge nudge.
72. “VIOLET, you’re turning … VIOLET!” You think you’re clever, Tracksuit?
73. “I can’t have a blueberry as a daughter. How is she supposed to compete?!” “You could put her in a country fair!”
74. I hope the Oompa-Loompas write their own music.
75. “Let’s boogie!” - Willy Wonka after another child falls victim to his obviously-hazardous factory.
76. Hey, look another weird, traumatic flashback.
77. The number of times the word “daddy” is said in this film bothers me.
78. "When Squirrels Attack": this Sunday on Lifetime.
79. The squirrels have no problem throwing the brat into an incinerator. I like their style.
80. Much like me in my senior year of high school, Willy Wonka doesn’t even try to hide his hatred for these people. I respect that.
81. This song about a child falling into a heap of garbage is catchy. Is it on iTunes?
82. It is.
83. Take me to fudge mountain.
84. Why are so many animals involved in the making of Wonka's candy? Sheep, squirrels, cows, it's like a giant sugar-themed nativity scene.
85. OH MY GOD MIKE TEAVEE GO HOME.
86. Thank God they can’t really send chocolate over the TV. I would be so fat.
87. Ter.
88. OPRAH CAMEO
89. I want to root for Charlie so badly but he’s just so annoying. And so painfully dumb.
90. Roald Dahl’s message to kids: it doesn’t matter if you’re dumb as long as you’re nice.
91. Willy Wonka better have good teeth with all that headgear he had to wear as a child.
92. Mike Teavee listens to Nickleback.
93. Mike Teavee shops at Pac Sun.
94. Wait so this is basically "The Hunger Games" but with candy at stake. I would actually compete in that.
95. Willy Wonka just crushed a peasant family’s shack with his glass elevator.
96. “Look at me. I had no family and I’m a giant success.” - Willy Wonka. Yeah, you also intentionally harm children so don't brag.
97. Charlie would give up owning Wonka Inc. to be with his family. See? The kid's an idiot. He doesn’t deserve it. Give it to Augustus.
98. THE BUCKETS ARE HAVING A REAL DINNER FOR ONCE!
99. Wonka has gold Ws on the bottom of his shoes. God this man has style.
100. Wonka's dad saved every newspaper article about him and his success. Brb while I sob into my hoodie.
101. “Boys, no business at the dinner table.” LADYBUCKET, DO YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO EATING CABBAGE SOUP EVERY NIGHT? NO, SO CHARLIE HAS TO DO BUSINESS AT THE DINNER TABLE. JUST BE HAPPY YOUR DUMB, AVERAGE SON WON A CONTEST THAT SAVED YOU FROM CRUSHING POVERTY.
102. “And life was never sweeter.” Yeah, end on a pun Tim Burton.
