To those it may concern,

What I am about to explain is not an overstated hyperbole or call for attention but a true account of something considerably personal. I have had the "pleasure" of living with an anxiety disorder my whole life. However, was only recently diagnosed during the first semester of my freshman year of college. A time where your life is just as exciting as it is complicated. I am a bit of a perfectionist and a definite nervous nelly. Simple interactions or trips into an unknown situation can cause my heart to race and my mind to spin out of control. It’s something I keep hidden however, it still finds a way to rear its ugly head in times of extreme and uncontrollable stress.

One of the most stressful events a person can endure and one I had the "pleasure" of dealing with this current semester is that of heartbreak. That coupled with the recent discovery of my anxiety disorder has really thrown me for a loop. So for those of you who are rather uninformed on the anxious mind of a young woman having her heart crushed, I will now spend around 1,000 words elaborating. I suppose the point of it all is so that some of you who believe girls are “over invested” or just need to “chill out”, will understand how deep their anxiety and need for reassurance runs.

First off like any other heartbreak in which there was no closure there is always a yearning for answers untold. My anxiety does not impede but accelerate the rate at which my mind comes up with these questions. New unknowns. New ways to look at every angle of every one of our arguments. Overthinking every word that was ever exchanged between the two of us. Even while my friends attempt to console me. Offering words of encouragement and suggesting to go out together; but still my anxiety just won’t allow that. It is a mother board for self doubt. It floods your mind with “what if’s” and “why’s”. You search amongst the clutter for an answer. Some piece of information that could explain why the person you placed all your trust and effort into would walk straight out of your life without a trace. Alas this is much easier said than done.

It’s honestly embarrassing to think about all the hours I’ve lost thinking about you. The hours I've spent replaying that final string of unsympathetic words you left me with.The hours I’ve laid awake in bed wondering about your dad, your mom, or how your family in general is doing. The hours I’ve tried to avoid thinking about you, but still you somehow manage to sneak back in. You see heartbreak isn’t like the movies. There is no cute cry session, instead there is just a girl curled up alone in her bed feeling numb. There is no coincidental run in at the neighborhood coffee shop where the ex-lovers meet eyes and suddenly everything is okay. There is no eating three pints of Ben & Jerry’s and then making a dramatic comeback. In the anxiety edition you get ready, you look great, but your confidence is somewhere you can’t reach it. I suppose what hurts the most is thinking about all the times that you led me to believe you were happy. You made me feel safe. You made me feel important. You made me want to stay, but without warning you took it all away.

Anxiety is a physical reaction to the worry your mind processes. Thinking about you makes my hands shake and my heart race. Hearing your name in someone else’s conversation causes my eyes to dart around looking for you. I try to pull my thoughts away from the hurt but they hold on tight. They love to ignore all the pain you've caused and focus on all the pieces of you that I miss everyday. How wonderful it is to be trapped inside your own personal anxiety bubble. A place that causes you to feel alone even amongst a group of your closest friends.

In the most unexaggerated way possible true heartbreak is like grieving after a death, because in reality the person you once loved is now gone. The person you thought you knew is deceased and in their place is a new inconsiderate and confusing alternative. A distant figure your anxiety sits and wonders about. You long for that beautiful human you once knew. Which causes you to move through a rendition of the five stages of grief. First by denying that someone you “knew” so well could have ever betrayed you in such a way. Your dreams fill with your happiest memories, and only upon regaining consciousness do you realize that that person has removed themselves from your life. This leads to anger. You may lash out. Call them names behind their back. Try to act like you are okay but really you just want to scream. The next step is your anxiety’s favorite: bargaining. Your mind becomes riddled with “what if’s” and the thought of asking them why they left. Wondering if they ever even cared about you at all, or if it was all just a lie. This launches the depression. The desire to do nothing but stare at a wall. A true body consuming numbness. Writing this, I believe, is the first step towards the final stage of acceptance. It has been a rather cathartic experience, because it has allowed me to review all the jumbled thoughts my anxiety has been throwing around throughout this entire process.

Some days it is worse than others. Some days I am luckily too busy to sit alone with my thoughts. Others it is an up hill battle, where just making it through an hour without thinking about you is a major accomplishment. To be clear, those of us with an anxiety disorder are not crazy. We aren’t pathetically feeling hopelessly devoted to you. We are mostly thinking about all the ways in which we screwed up. I usually think about all the ways in which I could have fixed things. I think about all the times I tried so hard to care for you and be the person you needed in your life. However, somehow it just wasn't enough. Think. Think. Think. And think some more. That's what anxiety does best.

Thanks to my family and friends I am slowly telling my anxiety to shut the hell up. Truthfully that is the one upside of heartbreak. Your family and true friends grab their suits of armor and stand by your side to fight off all your worries and destroy the depression which has breached your stronghold. They encourage you to understand that you gave the relationship all you could, and that someday someone out there will appreciate all that you are.

My ultimate hope is that anyone reading may now have some insight into the mind of someone who has been heartbroken, but also run dry by feelings of anxiety. To those of you suffering from anxiety you are not crazy. You are experiencing heartbreak the same as anyone else. Your anxiety doesn’t make what they did to you any more acceptable, their acts would be bad either way. Your anxiety just makes it a lot harder to forget and a lot harder to avoid placing the blame on yourself. Eventually confidence will return, and eventually the images I have of the man who broke my heart will be a distant memory that even my anxiety can’t rehash.

Having anxiety doesn’t make you weak. In fact you become a much stronger person because of it. So always remember that what doesn't kill you, truly only makes you stronger.