It all comes back in flashes. The year it took to get here. The lessons and losses that had to take place to get to a spot where you can finally say, you're doing fine. A year. So much can happen in a year, and that's exactly how long it's been since one of the most traumatic things that have ever happened to me. Perhaps this kind of language sounds dramatic but it's the cold hard truth. Hard stuff in life can traumatize you, and they can change you. I'm not the same person I was a year ago and I'm not sure if I'll ever fully get back to being that girl I once was.
I experienced a lot last year from gaining one best friend, losing another, and trying to put out wildfires that can't be tamed. When I really think about it, I think that maybe a wildfire is a good metaphor to describe it. Usually, I describe things with the weather, seasons, or the rain. Maybe this time it's not so much the weather but a natural disaster. What are wildfires? Usually wildfires can happen naturally whether it's by the sun or a lightning strike. But most of the time, wildfires happen due to human carelessness. More than likely, a wildfire spreads because of an abandoned campfire, intentional acts of arson, and the burning of debris. Carelessness can cause a whole mess of things and it can slowly turn into chaos. Which is why I don't think experiencing my first wildfire last year was an accident. I firmly believe it symbolized what was going on in my life at that time. A wildfire had ensued, and it had spread so much due to carelessness, that eventually, it couldn't be put it out. It couldn't be tamed.
Smoke can fill your lungs to the point where you eventually can't breath properly. It affects everything, and eventually, your lungs will turn black. Unless you put the fire out, the smoke will take over, blind you, and hold you down until you can't breath. The relevance to this metaphor is oddly familiar to how the end of last year was for me as whole. I lost so much last year. Things burned down, things were lost, and as much as I wanted them back, these things eventually turned to ashes. It's what happens when you experience the inevitable. And the thing about the inevitable, is that most of the time, it creeps up on you and when you see it coming, it's too late to restore.
I've been extremely vague over the last year about what's happened in my life, and I think I like it that way. But I also believe that what I've been through could help someone else, and bring glory to God in some way. So, I'll be honest, I lost a best friend. She was my best friend for seven years and throughout those seven years, I thought she'd be there forever. But it's not just thinking that maybe she'll be there forever, it's wanting her to be there forever. If you didn't know before, you'll know now that this person was the first real best friend I've ever had. It was something I had longed for my whole life, and then God brought her to me. She was my prayer partner, an encourager, a good friend, and one I confided in. During those seven years of friendship, I had learned what real godly friendship meant. It was a huge learning curve for me, and I struggled a lot but eventually, I was content. God had blessed me with a best friend, and I knew for a fact she'd be my best friend for life. Little did I know, God had other plans.
The fallout began to take fruition early last year but I was blind to it and eventually, it all burned down. It was a wildfire before I even realized it. As I watched a real wildfire burn right before my very eyes, I was also understanding that there was another wildfire in my life that would soon spread so rapidly in every area that it became unstoppable. It's morbid, I know but a fire will turn to ashes, and eventually, something good has to rise from the darkness of it all. It was dark, traumatic, and truly unforgettable but there was good in the loss. There was good in the pain. I gained another best friend, who I can honestly say is one of my favorite people on the entire planet. I gained perseverance, strength, and healing in the process. I gained so much more than I lost.
Wildfires cause damage. They cause smoke. Sometimes it's hard to breath but after the fire is finally quenched, you can breath again. And soon, you are able to rise up from the ashes and come back to life. This is exactly what the Lord has done for me. He's brought me back from messy aftermath and He's slowly but surely healing the burns. I will never say I know how to deal with loss in a great way because I don't. I'm still dealing with, and I still struggle. The aftermath has been hard from the uncertainty of whether or not I can trust people to wondering why any of it had to happen. But it did happen and God allowed it to. Why? Maybe I'll never know but perhaps He was keeping me safe or both of us safe from harm. Everything God does isn't to harm us, it's to shape us, refine us, and mold us into the person He has called us to be.
The verse I always fall back on is Habakkuk 3:17-19:
"Though the fig tree should not blossom, nor fruit on the vines, the produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food, the flock be cut off from the fold and there be no herd in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord; I will take joy in the God of my salvation. God, the Lord, is my strength; he makes my feet like the deer's; he makes me tread on my high places".
It's such a beautiful example of what trust in God looks like. This is how I should be trusting Him. Though everything appears to be burning around me, I still trust that He knows what He's doing. If only I could lead by Habakkuk's example all the time. But I'm human and I still have those days where it's a struggle but I'm learning. He is faithful, and slowly He is teaching and showing me how to live again.
Have you ever lost someone? What Scripture has encouraged you? How has God healed you or put out the fire around you? Wildfires are scary but eventually, God will tame it. He will put it out, and you will live again.
