Awhile back I read an article written by a girl who was arguing for why other's need to stop shaming her for "always being with her boyfriend." Now while I agree she doesn't deserve to be shamed for her actions, I absolutely without a doubt disagree with her arguments in why it's completely okay for adolescent girls to devote themselves entirely to their male counterparts. And here's why:
Your teenage years are your most vulnerable. This is the time in your life when you begin to explore who you are, trying on different identities and roles until eventually, you discover who you truly want to be. This is also a time when you're at the height of your emotional sensitivity and awareness. Peer relationships, whether they be friendships or something more, are incredibly influential and important, being one of the most valued aspects of adolescent life. It makes sense, this is the time leading up to adulthood and finding your identity and companions you wish to carry on with you for the rest of your life is a key part of growing up.
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But this is exactly why being the girlfriend who only spends time with her boyfriend is so detrimental. You see when you're in a relationship that intense, you begin to mold yourself to that person. Who you are becomes very much wrapped up with who they are, and parts of yourself that you loved are lost in order to make such a commitment work. In adulthood, who you are is already roughly defined, hence strong intense relationships do not have the same effect. But when you're a teenager already very porous in personality and identity, it's almost inevitable you lose part of yourself in being with someone so devotedly.
But what's worse is the effect it has on your relationships with friends. A relationship that intense, that young, is almost surely going to lead you to isolate yourself from your friends. Ask anyone; one of the leading causes of friendship break-ups are romantic relationships getting in the way. While you might not see the effect your overly-intense relationship has on destroying your friendships, your friends do. They gradually watch you cut out more and more time that was once occupied by them being given to someone else, who almost always hasn't known you or cared about you as long as they have. They watch you cancel plans for your boyfriend, miss important dates for your boyfriend, until eventually, your boyfriend becomes the sole priority in your life, and they, mere afterthoughts.
Now the girl in the article I previously mentioned made the point that while the majority of her time is spent with her boyfriend, she still makes time for her friends, but they are the ones continuously cutting her out, due to frustration. However, just "making time" for your friends isn't enough. The majority of your time as a high school student should be spent playing sports, getting involved, doing your homework, fostering friendships, and being with your family. If you're in a relationship, you should make time for your boyfriend after you've put the time into these, not the other way around. Her friends have every right to feel vexed, because as many can attest, watching your close friend slowly neglect everything she ever cared about until her lover becomes the central aspect of her life is heartbreaking, as well as exhausting and irritating.
But what bothers me the most about high school girls cutting out their friends and spending the bulk of their time with their boyfriends is the fact that in the end, most of these romantic relationships don't matter. As I said before, adolescence is when you grow and change into the adult you want to be, and though you may have started out compatible with someone in high school, you usually don't end up that way, because the person you become is not the person you once were, and that's a good thing. However, it means that it's not very likely your high school sweetheart will be your future spouse. And if differing identities and interests don't do it for you, college most likely will, because trying to maintain a healthy relationship while also going through the biggest transition in your life is no easy feat. So why change who you are, destroy friendships, and waste precious time on something that most likely won't pay off in the end?
Now I'm not saying I believe teenagers shouldn't date until they're adults, or that all adolescent relationships are toxic. What I'm saying is that while these relationships are surely important, you need to keep them in perspective to the big picture. While it's nice to love and be loved, don't let that be the only thing that matters in your life. Don't leave your friends out to dry and neglect who you are due to an all-consuming love. Remember the bulk of your time should be spent on bettering yourself first and foremost, not on dating and devotion. Your friends are the one who have always been by your side; don't take that for granted.
See because I too was once the girl who was hopelessly devoted to a high school romance, and I know first hand how it plays out. While it may seem harmless at the moment, the second you're no longer in that committed relationship, you understand the gravity of what being so committed does to you. It's like waking up from a dream, shaking off the euphoria of infatuation, and realizing you have no friends, no personality that's all your own, neglected aspirations that you let die and nowhere to turn to during a time when you need support the most. You hit rock bottom, feeling a whole different level of devastation that could have been avoided if you hadn't been so blind, and I wouldn't wish that on anybody.
So don't spend all our time with your boyfriend. You have your whole life to be devotedly in love, and in truth, there's much more to the world than just that.
