I have always been someone who has a plan, literally every personality test I have ever taken has told me this. As much as I wanted to be the spontaneous, care free girl, I'm just too much of a planner to do that. I've been told my whole life, "you are thinking way too into this" and, "just relax, everything is going to work out". There's just always been a little voice in my head telling me otherwise.
"What if it's not fine?"
Well, applying to college was no different. I had a plan, I was going to apply to my favorite school (Woohoo, go Noles!), and I was going to be a medical professional like my parents. My freshman year now feels like a blur.
Diving right into my major, I was up to my ears in Chemistry, Biology, and Nutrition. Every other day, it seemed, another curveball was being thrown at me. It honestly felt like I was taking one step forward, and then three giant steps back. I remember sitting in my dorm room at my desk, it being almost 3:30 in the morning, being so jealous that my roommate was sleeping, and hating the fact that I was still up trying to figure out how the hell I was supposed to do 18 titration problems in 55 minutes for my Chemistry 2 final. I just kept repeating, "This is worth it, this is the plan, this is what I'm gonna do". Well, I did it, sorta, and made it through my first year of college (and the general chemistry series) alive, barely.
Then came summer, and with summer came that ever-present voice, filling my head with doubt.
What if you can't handle this major?
If you switch majors you're not guaranteed a job in the future.
What if you stay in the major and fail all your class, then you're REALLY not going to get a job.
What if you don't fail all your classes, get a job, and you realize this isn't what you wanna do?
Well, I had known this voice long enough to know that I couldn't take everything it said to heart. Isn't there some sort of quote saying a little bit of self-doubt is healthy?
As the fall semester started, I was totally prepared for the semester in front of me. Organic Chemistry, Chemistry, Biology 2, Child Development.....I'VE.GOT.THIS.
Well, I "had this" for about 3 or 4 weeks. Sitting in my Organic Chemistry lecture, on the eve of my first exam, it came to me. I don't want to do this anymore. Of course, I had thought this before, but this time it was different. This time, it wasn't this little voice of doubt in the back of my mind, it was clear, steady, confident, and demanded to be heard. At the time, it really scared me. I've put so much time and effort into this, not to mention, I had a plan! What am I supposed to do? Give up everything, my plan, my progress, change my entire future, because of a voice?!
The answer: absolutely.
What I've learned is that it's okay to not have a plan! And if you absolutely must have a plan, it's okay for that plan to change. As long as you're working towards something, and that something makes you happy, it doesn't matter if you don't know exactly what you're doing or where you're going.
I know, I know, people have been telling you your whole life to do what makes you happy and forget the rest, and I am the first to say that this is way easier said than done. But that's one thing about college, being away from home, and surrounded by all these new people, there's literally no better time to try something new. No, it doesn't have to be some life altering, earth shattering change of events. It could literally be trying a new workout routine, joining a new club, or, in my case, switching to a major you feel like you can make a difference in.
Some changes will be easier than others, and you may initially gravitate towards those easier changes...but didn't someone say nothing worth having comes easy? So, try and make those changes you want to make for yourself! The only person stopping you from being your favorite self is you (Overused and cliché, I'm aware. But so, so, so true."
As for the "voice of doubt", I'd like to think of that more as a voice of reason now. I don't think it was ever telling me I wasn't good enough, I think it was, in a sense, making sure I was actually doing what I wanted to be doing. Think about it, when you really want to do something, absolutely nothing is going to stop you from doing whatever it is you want to do, especially not a measly voice in the back of your head.
Now, this is not to say that change is absolutely necessary for everyone's life. This is only to say, if you're unhappy, or think you'd be happier doing something else, then go out there and change it! If you love the way your life is going, and you don't want to change anything, then don't, and don't let anyone change your mind about it. It was just, for me, my "logical" and "planned out" path was not cutting it for me. It's not that it was bad, or boring, I just needed a change of scenery and to see things from a new perspective.
Yes, changing the way I did was way more than scary. It was stressful and a little intimidating, but now, I wouldn't have it any other way. And that is why you should take the leap, and better your life any way you can.
