There was this one time, actually there were two times when I was blatantly honest about my feelings with two people that I cared a whole awful lot about. I didn't hold back on what I felt about either of them. In fact, I did the complete opposite. Rather than hold back, I told one of them that I was so in love with him that it hurt. I told him that I would never be able to stop loving him and I threw my pride out the window and told him that after being apart for so long, I would still love to be together. The other one, well, I pretty much told the entire world that I had feelings for him. If you follow my Odyssey articles regularly, you know that what I am referring to is the open apology letter I wrote last week to the boy that I ruined a great opportunity with.
These two boys are completely different from one another. And the situations that I have experienced with each of them are also completely different from one another. Even the feelings I had for each of them can be accounted for on different levels. What wasn't different, though, was the way I felt an urgent need to tell both of them how I felt when I was going through each situation. This feeling was growing inside of me, this feeling of "do it now", "you can't wait", "you never know what tomorrow may bring". Those thoughts continued to resonate with me over and over again until I was able to muster up enough courage to approach the situation head-on with my real feelings. Each circumstance went a little differently, however.
I told the first one how I felt and although I did not receive the response from him that I ultimately was wishing for, I felt a huge weight lift off of my shoulders after I was able to speak everything that was in my heart. The relief I felt didn't happen right away. In fact, it took me a couple of weeks to realize how brave I was to look someone in the eye who doesn't love me anymore and tell him that although he doesn't love me, I still love him. I set myself up to be hurt in that situation and I knew that when I walked up to him that day, but I still did it anyway. I still spoke what was in my heart. Why did I do that? It wasn't because I wanted to get hurt. It wasn't because I wanted to watch my dreams shatter in front of my eyes again. No, it wasn't for any of those reasons. I opened my heart and I spoke exactly what was inside for my own sake. I did it for me. I did it to show myself that what I feel matters, that how I feel matters. And what my heart desires, that matters. Just because he didn't want the same things that I wanted anymore, didn't mean that what I was feeling didn't matter. It mattered because it was real. It mattered because that's what my heart feels. I did it because I am brave. I am unafraid of the words my heart has to speak because I know that they are true. I know that the words my heart speaks come out because of who I am, because of how I live my life. There is no right or wrong to this game of life that we play over and over again every day. There is just what we have done, what we are doing, and what we will do. That's life.
I proclaimed to the world last week in my open apology letter to a boy that I really messed up with. For everyone who is wondering whether or not I have gotten my second chance, I haven't. I'm unsure of whether or not he read the letter and as a result, I am not sure that he knows my true feelings for him. That's why I want to tell you all to open your hearts and speak what is inside. My letter came directly from my heart. Every word of that letter was filled with passion and truth and an undeniable desire for someone that means so much to me. But the truth is, I am still holding back. Although I wrote that letter, which many of you have told me was very brave, I have still yet to confront him in person. The scariest feat of all when speaking what's in your heart. That's something that I still am hoping to find the courage to do every day.
Perhaps I was brave to openly write my letter and if he had seen it, it would have been a wonderful coincidence. But I am still in fear. I fear what all of us do, rejection, denial, unworthiness, loneliness, and perhaps the biggest, apologizing. It isn't easy for any of us to look someone else in the eye and tell them how we feel or to tell them that we are sorry for the mistakes we have made in our past. We tense at the thought that an apology may make us seem weak or that expressing our feelings somehow makes us too vulnerable for the world to see.
Why do we fear the unknown? We spend so many hours contemplating what we don't know and trying to come up with ideas of what could possibly fill the space of the unknown. Yet, when we are faced with a path that has the ability to take us forward into the unknown, we stray back to where we were at, deciding we are more comfortable living out the unknown in our fantasies instead of making the unknown our reality.
We fear what we do not know, who we do not know and where we do not know. We avoid speaking from our hearts out of the fear that someone will reject what we have to say, that someone else will reject how we feel. How can someone else decide that what you feel is wrong, though? What you feel is what you feel and that should be expressed outright in as many ways as possibly can be expressed.
What you say matters. What you do matters and what you feel... It all matters. You matter. You feel the way you do for a reason. Whether or not it seems possible to you to be able to explain that reason, the reason is still there.
Your voice matters and what you feel matters. Don't wait for tomorrow or the next day to tell your boyfriend or girlfriend what they mean to you, to tell your professor that they have inspired you, to tell your family that you love them, to tell your friends your hidden dreams, to tell him how you feel about him. Voicing your feelings, letting your feelings flow into words is not a mistake. It's never a mistake to feel and it's never a mistake to pronounce how you feel.
Waiting is a mistake. Waiting for the right moment, or the next day, or the next time you see someone is a mistake. We don't get to control very much during this lifetime so when you have the chance, take it. Take the chance and run with it. At the end of the day, the only words you will ever regret are the words you were too afraid to say.
