"Alright, is everybody ready?" I ask the six guys sitting around the table with me (for some reason no girls have accepted my invitations to play D&D).

"Yeah," they all reply not even looking around them for the multiple dice and pencils they will inevitably need.

"Does everyone have a pencil?" I ask in an annoying, somewhat motherly tone. Three of them look around as if pencils will appear out of the cracks in the couch cushions around them until they eventually get up to go find some in their rooms. Finally everyone is back in the lobby where we will play one of our first sessions of Dungeons & Dragons. No one, including me, really knows what to except. I've never been the Dungeon Master before and everyone except for one of the players has never even played until now. As the Dungeon Master I control what the players see and the people and things they interact with. They joke that I am their god but it's more like I'm their eyes into the world. As soon as they step into it they have total agency to do whatever they want. Whether they succeed or fail depends on stats they rolled for when making their characters and the roll of a die with twenty sides on it, the almighty D20.

"Alright boys." I say clapping my hands together. "Let's get started." And so it begins.

Six travelers walk towards the giant gates of a city. Its walls stretch as far to the left and right as any of them can see. A giant green tower can be seen behind the gates reaching all the way into the clouds. Four of the travelers are human men, one is an elven woman, and one is a male halfling standing only three feet tall. They are all heavily armed with swords, bows, and axes; and for some reason they've decided to walk shoulder to shoulder, standing in height order. They finally reach the walls of the city when one of the two guards standing at the foot of the gate shouts out to them.

"What is your business in the city?"

The party looks at each other unsure of what to say until the halfling steps forward and speaks.

"We want to get messed up!"

"Do you really want to say that?" I ask the player.

"I mean, yeah. Why not?"

"Alright." I say. "Roll for persuasion." He rolls a D20 and gets a high enough score that the guard is charmed by his little words. A smile creeps over his face as he replies,

"Haha, don't we all? Open the gates!" The guard shouts as he turns to let the party inside the city. As they enter they see the tower reaching the clouds is still visible in front of them but it's obvious that it is still very far away. To the immediate right and left are alleyways leading to what looks like slums or residential areas of the city while in front of them a building can be seen with large letters above its double-door reading, THE SALTY SCABBARD.

"Alright, what do you guys want to do?" I ask the group expectantly.

"I want to find the nicest house around and loot it!" The halfling replies before anyone else.

"Uh ... Okay? Roll for finding a nice house, I guess?" I respond. Again he rolls high enough to notice a beautiful three story building behind a fence much taller than he is. It's obvious there are two men guarding the front door as well. Yet, the little man strolls right for the house stopping at the fence while I ask the rest of the party what they want to do.

It becomes clear that they are not as interested in burglary as their small companion and go instead into the tavern. Upon entering they see eight circular tables scattered around the room, a bar in the back with an intimidating barkeep behind it and a bard to the right plucking away on a lute. The party moves straight for the bar and buys drinks enough to last them the night.

"Can I buy all of your butter?" One of the men asks.

"All of my what?" Replies the barkeep.

"Your butter. . ."

"That'll be five gold pieces." The barkeep finally says.

"Make it three and we have a deal!" The butter connoisseur counters. The barkeep eyes the man up and down searching his very soul for motive. He finally consents and shouts behind him.

"SHEILA! GET ALL THE BUTTER!" A small woman appears from a door behind the barkeep and literally rolls out a barrel of butter and stands it next to the party when suddenly a fight breaks out behind them. The party turns around to see five ruffians scrapping in between the tables. One of the party members turns to the barkeep and lets him know they intend to be rewarded for stopping these shenanigans before jumping into the fray. Two of his friends follow while the man that bought all of the butter begins to disrobe. The elven woman in the group simply takes her drink with her to a seat and watches the events unfold.

As all of this happens our halfling friend decides to put on a disguise he had in his inventory in order to sneak into the beautiful home across from the tavern. With a fresh new look he confidently walks past the fence and up to the door of the house. The guards point their lances at the little homeless looking man as he approaches.

"What are you going to say to them?" I ask.

"I'm gonna say I'm their master and they should let me in."

"Really?"

"Well, yeah."

"Okay go for it." He rolls horribly and the guards realize that is obviously just some bum trying to impersonate their boss. They go to grab at him but he rolls high enough to slip past them, dropping some ball bearings on the ground as he runs through the door. The guards go to grab him but instead end up slipping on the ball bearings like something straight out of a Charlie Chaplin movie.

The scene returns to our heroes in the tavern. Three of them are still fighting valiantly in this seemingly run of the mill bar fight while the elven woman with them drinks and the now naked member of their party begins to lather his body with obscene amounts of butter. Eventually the fight turns ugly as one of the ruffians pulls out a sword and blood begins to spill. A torch falls off of the wall after some unfortunate attack rolls and the building sets on fire starting in an unpopulated corner. No one except for the elven woman rolls high enough to notice but she says nothing to the group and instead sits and watches as pandemonium envelopes the scene. Eventually guards from the wall come to see what all of the ruckus is about and find quite the situation as they enter the bar.

We jump back to a disheveled halfling running through a beautifully decorated home until he finds the master bedroom. He slips inside quietly enough and locks the door behind him. He only has a small amount of time until the guards arrive. In front of him is an elderly man lying in a bed. Lying next to him is a much younger woman. They are both fast asleep. The halfling shuffles over to the woman's side of the bed where a bedside table with a wallet is visible, but he is too loud. She wakes up startled.

"What are you doing in here?" She asks groggily, confusion in her voice.

"I want to knock her out." The player says to me.

"What?"

"I want to knock her out."

"Jesus dude," I say, somewhat exasperated. "Just roll." He rolls high enough to knock the woman unconscious and quickly throws her body into a nearby closet, disguising himself in her clothes and slipping into bed next to the master of the house. Somehow he remains asleep while footsteps can be heard heading for the bedroom door. . .

Meanwhile the fight at the tavern has been abruptly ended by the town guards entering the premises. The guards look to the party to answer for what just happened. There is still no one aware of the fire except for the elven woman observing the scene. The guards demand that the three members of the party that were in the fight leave. They more or less agree upon seeing their foes being arrested and walk outside even though they were only trying to help. The elven woman follows them outside as the guards try to apprehend the now very slippery naked man that is making lewd motions in the bar. In fact, he is so slippery from the butter that he manages to squeeze past their armored hands and run down the street toward the house that the halfling is in. The guards chase after him and in all of the commotion no one realizes that the right side of the tavern is up in flames. The rest of the party's petty nature gets the best of them as one of the members lights a bale of hay on fire that is right next to the tavern, literally adding fuel to the fire. They take their time walking down the street after their naked friend.

Focus shifts back to the cross-dressed halfling lying next to a somehow still sleeping man. Heavy knocks can be heard on the door. The man finally awakens without looking at his bedside companion and answers the door.

"Why the hell are you beating on my door at this hour of night?!" The master demands of his men.

"There was an intruder sir. We wanted to make sure everything was okay."

"Well does everything look okay?" The master replies sarcastically looking back at his prize. The halfling tries to strike a seductive pose but does not roll well. It is very obvious to everyone in the room that this is a very small man dressed as a woman. Yet, it is not as obvious that it was the homeless looking man that broke into the house moments ago. No one says anything for quite some time. Finally the master of the house mutters under his breath, "Gods, I need to stop drinking. Escort this one out of the house." The halfling rises out of bed while deftly grabbing the man's wallet from his bedside table. No one is the wiser as he gives the master of the house a peck on the cheek and the guards begin to lead him out of the house. He just makes it past the doorway when everyone hears an audible "THUNK" come from the closet of the bedroom.

"What the ..." The master of the house walks over and opens the door and a semi-conscious woman slips into his arms. "Grab that man!" The master of the house shouts at his guards. But the halfling has already scattered ball bearings at their feet and exited the building by the time their second Charlie Chaplin impersonation has finished.

He runs outside just in time to see his now naked companion running from four heavily armed guards followed by the rest of the party meandering in the distance. Using the last of his ball bearings the halfling patiently waits for his buttery friend to speed past him before rendering the guards useless. However, the halfling does this so deftly that his companion continues to run for quite some time before realizing that no one has been chasing him. The rest of the party meets up at the now burnt down tavern and the session ends only a few hundred feet from where it started. We all pause for a moment to digest what has just transpired before agreeing that we'll definitely play again soon.

Hopefully you'll join us some time. You never know what you might come up with.