According to the American Pet Products Association (APPA), around 77.8 million dogs are owned in the United States. Based on this, I can assume a fair amount of you reading this article may be quite scandalized by the title. I assure you, it is not a trick. I would never recommend dog ownership to any of you.

I will tell you why.

5. Dogs are so high maintenance.

I always thought it didn’t take much effort to care for a dog. I believed all you had to do was fill their food bowl, make sure they have fresh water, take them out for a few walks every day, and go to the vet once a month. But...oh, boy. Dogs will never be satisfied until they can play with this toy or snack on that brand of treats. God forbid their food isn’t bacon flavored!

Just look at this spoiled brat.

His name is Colby. He refuses to eat unless his food is on a “human plate”, and for the first few months he lived with us he didn’t eat at all unless he was spoon-fed.

Not cool.

4. They’re all a bunch of freeloaders.

You would think, after all you do for this dog, they would pay you back by taking out the trash or making dinner once in a while. But no. Apparently, that’s asking for too much.

I have to get a job to afford your dinner, feed you, take you for walkies, and clean up after you...and all you do is eat, sleep, and chase your tail??? That is not fair. I can’t even remember the last time Colby paid taxes.

3. Dogs love making a mess.

Yes. You read that right. Not only do they ask for so much. Not only do they do so little in return. They intentionally create more work for their owners to do? That is beyond maddening.

You and your canine pal may return home from a run one day and that ungrateful being may shamelessly track mud throughout the house. Then after you spend so much time cleaning the floor, and bathing your dog, they pay you back for your hard work by running all over the house soaking wet and get dirty water on every surface they can find. Not to mention the smell. And sometimes, a dog spends the last moments of their meal wiping their face with something other than a napkin (the couch, a blanket, my pants).

Not that I’m bitter or anything.

2. They can be quite embarrassing.

I mean, just look at this nerd.

Do I have to explain further?

1. You’ll be shown more love than you could possibly deal with.

I can’t have a bad day if I come home to a 15-pound ball of fluff wagging his tail at the sight of me. My stress lessens every time I sit down on the couch and he climbs up just so he can lick my face. And it breaks my heart when I have to leave him again, because I can picture him sitting by the window, waiting for me to come back. Knowing there’s someone that cares about me so much is too much to handle.

In conclusion: Don’t ever get a dog. The risk of loving someone more than you could ever imagine is far too great.