My entire life I have always felt like I have depended on everyone for my happiness. People can always depend on me because I am always there for them and I care about everyone immensely, but I find that many times I'm not actually here for myself. How can I possibly find happiness then if I can't find it in myself? Here's why you can't search for happiness.
I'm in love with a quote that my developmental psychology told us in class. She said that it is wrong to find somebody that makes you happy because you need to "be somebody that makes you happy." I am a very firm believer in that, but I have an awful time buying into it. I have always depended on so many people for my happiness. I have relied on my parents, siblings, friends, social media, and even volunteering to bring me joy and they all do a wonderful job. I have always considered myself a very happy person and I still do to this day, but there have always been times where I asked myself if I am actually happy with myself. These times appear when I am all alone. To be honest, I had a girlfriend for almost all of high school and some of my first year of college so now being single is a huge challenge for me. I'm used to having someone there to back me up and take my side. I'm used to having that person to fall back on when days get tough or if I overthink. Now when things get tough I NEED, not have, but need to be the person to make myself happy again. I need to stop forcing my issues and problems on other people in my life. Why do I do that? I hate having problems in my life because my anxiety makes me have a million thoughts. By talking to other people about things, I feel like I don't have to worry about them as much. I'm learning to deal with my own problems and to stop being such an open book to everyone. I feel that by being an open book people can easily take advantage of you. They know what makes you laugh and cry, what makes you happy and sad, and because of that I feel like I can be harmed. I'm also learning that I can't keep searching for everything in my life. I can't search for my soul mate or for my happiness. Yes, people can make you a happier person, but you have to be able to make yourself happy too. You will force relationships all the time which never works. You can't force friendships, connections, and most importantly love. You will meet so many people in your lifetime, and most likely none of them will love you like you want them too. You CAN'T search for the person to love you. Let it come to you. I constantly try to force things because I love the idea of what could be. This is off topic, but I'm tired of constantly apologizing to people for being completely honest and speaking my mind. If they think I'm weird, I honestly don't care. I love people who are up front and will be honest about everything. I don't want you to lie to me about things or not be honest. So yeah, you should go up to that boy or girl and tell her you think they are cute. Honestly, who cares if they think it's weird. They will be happy that someone actually noticed them. It'll probably make their day. So at the end of the day when you lay down in your bed all alone, you need to be absolutely okay that their isn't someone right next to you. You need to be okay that there isn't someone to whisper in your ear that they love you, tickle you to death, or go on crazy adventures with you. That will happen in due time. God has a plan for all. Trust the process. Always better yourself. By the way, if no has told you this today, you are kicking life in the rear end. You are much tougher than you look. You are passing classes. You are loved. You do have tons of friends. You are doing great things for the community. Your entire family is proud of you. You are making an impact. Your existence does matter. People depend on you. You make people laugh and smile. You are smart and you are beautiful and unique in your own way. Tell yourself those things everyday because you need to believe them. I'm trying to work on them too. We're all in this together (High School Musical pun not intended).
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