I like to consider myself a people-pleaser. I bend over backwards, make leaps and bounds to do what I can for others. I have even found myself putting something that is important to me aside so that someone else can benefit. I feel content in the moment, but later I regret that I made yet another sacrifice to fulfill not my happiness, but another’s. Don’t get me wrong, I understand the concept of you needing to give to get and I genuinely do enjoy helping people, but that doesn’t mean I have to put myself on the back burner.

This has not been an easy lesson learned and to be frank, I’m not quite sure I have even fully grasped it entirely yet. The struggle is extremely real when trying to find the balance between how much of my time, energy and patience I can offer and when I should l just say no. Throughout all of my experiences with this, I have made note of a few things:

If you’re going to second-guess yourself, then don’t do it.

If you agree to something you aren’t 100 percent willing to commit to, then don’t do it. You are not only hurting yourself, but the individual you will be with as well. They can tell when you aren’t whole-heartedly involved in what they are saying or what you both are doing. Believe me, people notice that sort of thing. Regretting your decision starts to creep in and it just makes for a bad time. Not to mention you could unintentionally hurt someone’s feelings and that is precisely the kind of thing you do not want to do.

If you are spending more time away from home than necessary, give it a pass.

Home is where the heart is. Finding the time in your demanding schedule to just enjoy your house and the people who inhabit it is vital. Whether it be your parents, siblings or even a significant other that is there who needs your time and attention, you must find the time to still have those peaceful moments with them. We seem to put this on the back burner every so often because we feel these people are constants in our lives and will always be there. Convincing yourself of this is easy, but it’s not always going to hold true.

If you are getting behind on work, school or other responsibilities, skip it.

This has me written all over it. I am notorious for putting my school work on hold to go lend a hand to someone. If I could be two places at once, boy would I take advantage of that. I can’t even count how many exams I should have been studying for instead of gallivanting around with a friend or family member. I’m telling you now, set aside time for these accountabilities and block out that period to not stray from what you have to do.

If it jeopardizes your personal happiness, just say no.

Finding your personal happiness is the new thing to do now days. People are constantly searching for what will make them a better version of their self. To start, begin by making note of things you are doing for others or agreeing to do that don’t necessarily increase your quality of life. I’m not saying that everything you do for others has to directly benefit you in some way. I’m saying that things you decide to do for or with people should make you happy to see them happy. It shouldn’t bring any dreadful emotions on whatsoever. It seems like a confusing concept, but really you are just doing what’s best for your wellbeing.

All in all, learning to be selfish is not something a lot of us strive to aim for. It is something however that needs to happen occasionally. Being everything to everyone is tough. The therapist, the handyman, the planner or even the maid. One person is only capable of so much. When pondering the question of being selfish in a situation, just ask yourself if a few of these apply and if so, don’t be afraid to say no.