It happened in elementary school. Periodically I would open the mailbox at my childhood home in Fremont, Nebraska, and there it was: correspondence with my name on it. As a kid in elementary school, mail was a rarity and a luxury.
The pamphlet heavily encouraged me to try to be the next Miss Nebraska. It spoke about cash prizes, crowns and trophies, and all of the things a normal princess-wannabe little girl could only dream of.
Every year, I asked my parents if I could participate; however, the fees were way too high for someone like me. Uneducated about the topic, we were completely unaware of sponsors and fundraising, so I was not allowed.
As I grew older, I began to forget about pageantry and began to focus on things such as bikes and karate. This stigma that a pageant girl had to be feminine and poised pushed me away from the desire to compete.
Last year, while at work, then 21, I came across the website for Miss Nebraska USA. I read the requirements and I convinced myself that it was either then or never. I sent my application, and within a few weeks, I heard back with an acceptance email.
I was ecstatic. I felt that I was finally achieving one of my childhood dreams. I began to research donors, and set up a GoFundme page to help me cover the costly competition. I learned about makeup, tanning, and the painful waxing. Many people around me could not believe that I was actually participating.
They asked me why I was feeding into something that I was against. As a feminist, I am quick to reject anything that expects me to either exploit or sexualize my body for the approval of society. So, when my friends saw that I was following through, they were not so excited.
I convinced myself that this pageant was not so much about body image, but the combination of body, body image, and intellect. I told myself that it was a program that would help me push myself both mentally and physically.
As someone who grew up being bullied for being thin, I told myself that it was time that I stood up and showed everyone around me that I was proud of who I had become, and no longer ashamed of my image. I was doing this as a means to prove myself, to demonstrate to those around me that I was stronger.
January came around, and before I knew it, it was pageant weekend. There, I met amazing, powerful women who inspired me like never before. I saw many body types, disciplines, and different upbringings. The concept itself, I felt was empowering. Women worked for months, and even years, pushing themselves to become the best versions of themselves they could be, and it showed.
The first day of the pageant, which included rehearsals, was the day I realized it was not something for me. Sure I learned many things, and no I am not dissing Miss Nebraska USA, or the girls who continue to participate, however, personally, pageantry and I do not mix. Here are the reasons:
1. I never really got the moves down.
I could not even get the opening number down. I am not much of a dancer, and I only felt ridiculed as I was pushed into the back row. I tried to tell myself that it was not a deal breaker, however, it really did bother me.
2. Drawing on abs is not my thing.
Swimsuit time rolled around the corner, and I began to notice that many of the girls around me began to contour abs, legs, arms, chests, and even shoulders. I told myself that If I did not work hard enough to develop abs, then I was not going to lie to my audience for a simple vote. I felt that in doing so, I was a cheater. Yes, this is a thing done at pageants, and is normal, but it is not for me.
3. Posture is everything.
Poise -- a word you hear a lot when it comes to pageants. That is because it is important. Many who know me, know that posture is something that I find difficult. Yes you will find me slouching in chairs, and walking like I have nowhere to be. I realized that a pageant would not work to fix that. Look up the pictures and you will see. At least I tried.
4. A story to tell.
Another important thing about pageantry, is that your life story has to be inspiring and able to be sold. Many are sob stories, and I overheard girls telling other girls to talk about family members deaths, or diseases, and although surviving tragic events is difficult, I did not want to focus on that. It seemed that the sadder the story, the better it stuck. The more experienced girls in the room agreed.
5. False expectations.
The women on stage are not the same women off the stage. Fake tans, fake hair, hours spent on perfecting a make up tutorial, fake eyelashes, extra whitened teeth, those things do not make up the girls you see in real life. I do not wish to see little girls who watch pageants think that that is something to aspire to become. Yes, there was more to the girls (myself included) than body image, however, no one on stage ever got to hear or experience it. Only a select few even got a chance to answer a thirty second question that would ultimately define their chances of winning.
I do not have anything against those who ran this program, however, I decided that this was a one time thing for me. When I heard girls were flying to buy $1,000 hair extensions and pricey make up was when I was ready to go home.
I have a pre-teen sister at home, and a five year old, and I have already had them question their own sense of worth. They question why they do not look like the "pretty girls" in magazines, and I am not going to be part of the problem.
They do not need to be growing up believing that hair extensions in pictures are real, or that they need to lighten their hair, and whiten their teeth to be beautiful.
I decided that pageants are not for me, because I am not ready, nor will I ever be ready, to pretend to be someone I am not for a crown. I am thankful for the many that believed in me and helped me realize this goal.
Like I said, the concept was fantastic. I did gain confidence to go onto a stage, with thousands watching, and judging me, however, I know that that girl up there was not the real me, and the real me is the real winner.
I don't have a crown. I don't have a state title. But I do have a platform that I am blessed with, where I am able to speak about things that matter. I have an audience who listens, and supports me, and helps me when I need it, and my hope is that I can teach other young women to love themselves as they are and with all of their inner beautiful characteristics as well.
I love my Vanbros sisters. I support and encourage them to go on and pursue their dreams. I will be on the sidelines, watching, learning, and growing, my way.
