"A semi-colon is used when an author could've chosen to end their sentence, but chose not to. The author is you and the sentence is your life"
So I'm going to be straight-forward to start things off: I have battled with depression. I still do battle with depression. That is not a part of my story that ever fully goes away or leaves me. What does change is that it has become a demon that I've learned to look square in the face, size up and say you can't beat me. So today I want to talk about why I don't let myself forget that part of my story, or, as I'll say here, why I wear the semi-colon
Some background: Project Semi-Colon is a non-for-profit organization founded by the late Amy Bleuel. It works towards mental-health education and the prevention of suicide. Inspiring countless survivors of mental-illness, the semi-colon has become a popular tattoo choice, symbolizing the idea that-like an author who chooses to continue a sentence with a semi-colon-those struggling with depression and mental illness choose every day to continue their lives.
Full disclosure: I don't yet have a semi-colon tattoo. I would gladly get one, and have definitely considered doing it one day. When I say I wear the semi-colon, I mean it in a more spiritual, symbolic sort-of-way, though I do draw it on my wrist sometimes on the days when it's harder to push through. My semi-colon is my battle scar and my badge of honor. My semi-colon is my story. My semi-colon says I'm still here. And so here are some reasons why I wear it with pride.
Because I've never personally been suicidal, but I know I could've been.
I am one of the lucky ones I suppose when it comes to mental health. I never actively nor consciously faced the idea of wanting to end my life. However, I know there are many who are not so lucky, who, faced with the same situation as I was, would have come closer to losing their battle. My semi-colon reminds me that I won my battle against insurmountable odds. I kept fighting every day, kept looking forward to the light at the end of the tunnel, and never lost sight of that. My semi-colon is my badge of honor in that way: I chose to stay every time I got out of bed to face another day. I soldiered through and I am still here because of it. On my roughest days, when my idle mind wants to beat myself up over time lost to mental illness, my semi-colon lets me be proud of myself, because I know that I chose to stay every day of my life.
Because I am still fighting.
I still have bad days. Every stage of my life I face new struggles and I have to learn how to manage and get through them. But every time they arise, my semi-colon is there to remind me that I can do it. I've won before and I will win again. Nothing is insurmountable and I am strong enough to get myself through. And like that hypothetical author I will continue my sentence again and again and again, adding more and more words every time there's even a hint at an idea of stopping, and I will not let my sentence end.
Because the recovery hurt as much as the battle.
My freshman year of college marked my battle with depression. When I got home for the summer, I was gradually getting better. And then everything crashed again. Suddenly, getting better becomes scary, because you feel different, and sometimes you forget how bad it was before and it's all just terrifying and confusing. And it's as much of a battle as the depression itself was. But my semi-colon reminds me to soldier through this too. My semi-colon reminds me that one day I will find peace, and that no matter how crazy the roller coaster is...that that final destination is sweet, and glorious, and mine to cherish.
Because I deserve to be proud.
My semi-colon reminds me to be proud of myself. It reminds me that I dragged myself out of an abyss. Me, I did that, and no one else could have done that for me. I cry sometimes when I remember how far I've come, and when I do my semi-colon squeezes me tight and lights a smile on my face and shines a light down on me. My semi-colon is there to whisper a reminder every time I'm feeling low that you did it. You never thought you'd do it and you did it.
Because the world really is so wonderful.
In the language of the semi-colon, I'll phrase it this way: struggling to find the words to write my sentence opened my eyes to just how many wonderful words are out there. When the world around you grows dull and gray, the colors you can find become all the more bright. The trees are so green, and the sky is so blue, and there is love everywhere that sings louder than hate. I have to keep writing my sentence, adding more and more words and clauses, all connected with semi-colons; because how could I stop when I have to write about my mom's laughter, and the taste of chocolate cake, and my best friend's smile? There is so much to live for every day in this world, and my semi-colon makes me appreciate it all so much.
Because I want to inspire others...
I try not to be scared or ashamed of my story, though I can't help those feelings sometimes. But I know so many go through similar things, and that when life is at its worst, the most comforting words in the world can be "I've been there. You're gonna make it." I want to wear and tell my story with pride so that others can always know that they're never alone.
I really do think everyone can benefit from a semi-colon. Even though not everyone seriously deals with mental illness, everyone faces hardships. Everyone has periods where even getting out of bed seems impossible. And I think it's so important, so powerful, for everyone to understand that they are strong, and that they're choosing to keep their sentence going.
Because it gets better...
Sure there are still bad days. Sure the memories can be hard to deal with. But it gets better. I look at my semi-colon when it's drawn, or I think about it when it's not, and I appreciate where I am. I think about how far I've come from the past, even when it's hard to see. And I smile...because it gets better.
Because this was me then...
And this is me now...
Change is possible. Healing is possible. I've chosen to keep my sentence going before, I'm still choosing every day, and I will choose again in the future. And as my favorite little blue fishy likes to say, I "Just Keep Swimming"
If you or a loved one is experiencing suicidal thoughts or actions, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. You are not alone, and your story's not ready to end.
