All too often we find ourselves waiting. Waiting for the weekend. Waiting for a phone call. Waiting for an unfavorable situation to change. While patience is unquestionably a virtue, our society finds it far too accessible to blame this unproductive waiting on the misconduct and defects of another person. All of this lingering has softened us, and is ultimately detrimental to our individual levels of happiness and contentment.
We need to stop letting ourselves get caught up in the “blame game,” and start accepting the fact that each one of us is the catalyst of our own life. We need to stop deeming ourselves as victims, and start actualizing our inner capability to control the way we feel.
Sarah Henson created an article for Lifehack titled “You May Not Realize It, But These Little Things Are Making You Unhappy.” In this piece, she composed a list of 50 things that essentially characterize symptoms of self-victimization. Things that especially stand out on this list include, “You hold grudges,” “You chose to be happy only when all of your dreams come true,” “You are a glass-half-empty person,” “You don’t take the time to set goals,” and “You’re dependent.”
Furthermore, in Eckhart Tolle’s book, "The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment," he states, “See if you can catch yourself complaining, in either speech or thought, about a situation you find yourself in, what other people do or say, your surroundings, your life situation, even the weather. To complain is always non-acceptance of what is. It invariably carries an unconscious negative charge. When you complain, you make yourself into a victim. When you speak out, you are in your power. So change the situation by taking action or by speaking out if necessary or possible; leave the situation or accept it. All else is madness.”
Essentially, the message that Henson and Tolle are trying to get across is that there are more effective ways to find a solution beyond complaining, blaming, and simply doing nothing. Life is too short to wallow in anger, expecting that someone else will rectify our hurt feelings.
The first step to overcoming self-victimization is to realize that you have total control over the reactions you have to whatever circumstances you are enduring. Whether it’s an antagonistic career, relationship, circumstance, a combination of these things, or a lack of these things: You hold the complete power to make a choice to be happy.
Next, it is crucial to know that self-accountability is honorable and wholesome. However, it is imperative to clarify that self-accountability is not congruent with beating yourself up over the actions of others. There will certainly be times when something is not not your fault, and my intentions are not to urge you to harbor guilty feelings for the wrongdoings of other people. However, I am encouraging you to access your hurtful situation and evaluate the things that you can do to change your perspective.
Dislike your job? Realize that it takes a knowing a bad thing in order to know a good thing, and work towards changing your situation.
Dealing with a tough breakup? Realize that you have been granted the opportunity to relentlessly focus on yourself. Use this time to remind yourself of your worth, and then go back to the world with your beautiful newfound confidence.
Found yourself caught in a toxic friendship? Realize that you have the power to leave and, and that with time you will heal. Do not allow your happiness to solely ride on your connection with one person.
When we establish a growth mindset and convince ourselves that we are the ones responsible for our own wellbeing and happiness, we create the means to thrive. Once a person takes control over a situation that he/she previously deemed as uncontrollable, a whole new outlook is born.
Hansen further states in her article, “If you live your life as a victim, you also believe the lie that you have no power to change it. That’s not a way to embrace a meaningful existence.”
So, here is my call to action: Do not victimize yourself. Allow yourself to accept the apology that you never got. Stop waiting around and wishing for the world to change, and realize that your actions are the force that evokes revolution. If you find yourself in a place where you are unhappy, leave. You are in control.
