I know, I know, I probably sound like a terrible person. Less nice?! Why would anyone ever want to be less nice! Let me just start by delineating the difference between being kind and being nice.
The best way I can think to describe this difference is in the terms of words v. actions. To me, nice is all talk. Nice is giving superfluous compliments, nice is avoiding uncomfortable topics at the dinner table, nice is smiling extra wide even if you don't necessarily feel all that happy. Kind on the other hand, is taking action. A kind person picks you up at the airport at six AM when you have no one else to call. A kind person listens to your sob story when you've had too much. And most of all, a kind person tells you what you need to hear, not just what you want to hear.
Recommended for you
In our present society, it seems to me that we've all been well versed in the art of giving niceties, but not so much in the art of kindness. Sure, we say please and thank you. We exchange shallow pleasantries. But when it comes to walking the walk, we steer clear from becoming too involved in the lives of others. Now, I would like to make it abundantly clear that I am not advocating that we do away with niceness all together. We are under no obligation to become utterly emotionally invested in the lives of each and every person we run into on the street. And when all is said and done, it's nice to know your away around small interactions. However, I do believe that we have a tendency to conflate the easy dispensable acts of niceness with the hard meaningful work of kindness. And that is an issue for which there are greater consequences.
Take for example this classic scenario. You're walking along when you run in to a friend. They look a little tired and run down, but when the two of you meet eyes their face suddenly lifts up in to a familiar smile. You're a nice person, so you say hello and ask how they're doing. And of course they're just as nice as you so they answer, "I'm doing good! How are you?" and of course, feeling oooh soooo nice you readily reply, "I'm fine, thanks for asking."
You talk about whatever friends talk about. You prattle on about classes or work or boyfriends or girlfriends, and you notice your friend's smile starts to wane so you pay them a compliment, probably on some article of clothing they're wearing, or maybe the way their hair is quaffed and you probably think to yourself wow I'm so nice! And of course, your friend is not oblivious to the effort you're extending, so they smile as wide as they can and say, "thank you so much!" You're friend then finds a way to end the conversation and while you walk away feeling satisfied that you've successfully lifted their spirits they are just as down in the dumps as they were before.
The issue is, because your friend is just as nice as you, they would never dream of burdening you with their feelings. To do so would be to break the social contract of niceness. You may have provided a nice gesture in asking how they were doing, but it is only that: a gesture. And gestures are empty, unsatisfying, and ultimately unhelpful in the face of real problems. And furthermore, the Social Contract of Niceness traps your friend in a state of perpetual emotional labor, whereby they must extend the energy to perform as if everything is fine, even if it isn't.
Now, like I said before. Sometimes, it is easier to be nice. Sometimes, when we're sad or upset, we don't want to be probed or coddled. We say we're fine because to do otherwise would be even more work for less payoff. However, sometimes it's the opposite. Sometimes, we want desperately to drop the charade and just be sad or mad or frustrated or any other combination of unpleasant feelings. But we are too afraid to do so due to the risk of making the situation awkward and uncomfortable for others.
And often it is. We often find ourselves made deeply uncomfortable when we have to genuinely comfort someone, because we are so out of practice. We rely so heavily on niceties that we don't know how to actually help someone when they need it. We don't know how to be kind. And that, my friends, is the real problem.
There's also the issue when the kind thing to do doesn't align with the nice thing to do. Just as we are made uncomfortable by bearing witness to not-so-nice feelings, so are others made uncomfortable by expressing them. Somewhere along the line, we seem to get this idea in our head that admitting sadness or resentment or discomfort is synonymous with admitting defeat. We don't want to reach out, because we fear that in doing so, we'll appear childish, or needy, or just plain incapable. It takes a very kind person to see past these insecurities that have been instilled in us and ask the hard questions that deep down we need to hear.
Nice is all well and good, but when it comes to solving actual problems, it proves to be ineffectual. If we are to continue to only ever walk down the clear and easy path of niceness, we may never even realize how much pain possesses the hearts of those who are closest to us. We have to abandon our social training wheels and start to build our capacity for real acts of kindness. The road is often rocky, especially at first, but it's always worth it in the end.
