I hate Valentine’s Day. This “holiday” is just an excuse for the disgusting couples to throw their joy in our faces even more than they already do. It also forces the normal couples to feel obligated to somehow conjure up some ooey gooey expression of emotion for their significant other to keep up with the social norms of dating. For us singles, it is a day where we are not only left out of all the fun, but simply can not avoid all the pink hearts, chalk tasting candy, and *swallows back down a bit of vomit* PDA. The happiness is inescapable, and it’s all based on loosely recorded and fucked up events that were exploited by businesses to make money. The true origin of Valentine’s Day is uncertain, but there are several legends that are believed to be what may have started all this bullshit.

One legend states that in the third century, Emperor Claudius II of Rome outlawed marriage for young men. Claudius II justified this ban with his belief that the soldiers with wives and kids didn’t perform as well as the single soldiers, but I’m pretty sure that he was just jealous because he wasn’t getting any. Valentine, being a romance loving badass who didn’t care about Claudius’ ridiculous decree, married young couples in secret. Eventually, he was caught and sentenced to death. Bummer.

Another legend says that a more pedophilic Valentine dude is responsible for the start of this stupid holiday. It is believed that Valentine was locked up because he was helping men escape from being tortured and murdered in Roman prisons. He sounds like a heroic and humble guy, right? Wrong! This creep fell in love with his jailor’s young daughter, and eventually mustered up the courage to slip her a note that included the phrase, “From your Valentine.” Yuck. Why does no one else think that this pedophilic advance on a child is a gross thing to commemorate every year?

It is also believed that Valentine’s Day originated with the attempt to “Christianize” the pagan festival of Lupercalia. Lupercalia was a celebration that took place annually on February 15th, and was dedicated to Faunus, the Roman God of agriculture, as well as Romulus and Remus, the alleged founders of Rome. To start off this special day, some Roman priests would sacrifice innocent animals (including dogs) at a cave to receive purification, because they believed that was where Romulus and Remus were raised by a she-wolf...What the actual hell... And to top it all off, at the end of the day, all the single women were supposed to put their name in a big ol’ urn for the men to choose from. And they were stuck with these men for a whole year, unless they were lucky enough to get forced into marriage with them! What a wonderfully misogynistic and corrupt way to find a spouse! I’ll stick with Tinder. At the end of the fifth century, Pope Gelasius banned Lupercalia and replaced it with a more Christian holiday, St. Valentine’s Day, which would be celebrated on February 14th.

As a result of the Pope’s transformation of Lupercalia into St. Valentine’s Day, the holiday was associated with the saints that I mentioned earlier, but not love specifically. However, thanks to some dumbasses in the Middle Ages who discovered that the middle of February was the start of birds’ mating season, Valentine’s Day became more closely associated with love. That was the start of the rise of Valentine’s Day as we know it today. And by the mid 18th century, all hope for the evaporation of Valentine’s Day was lost, as most of society was celebrating the day by exchanging notes and little gifts to express their care for those around them. Ew.

As if the trading of tokens of affection wasn’t unbearable enough, money hungry people had to come in and ruin everything with their mass production of cards and treats. Some bitch named Esther A. Howland was the first to mass produce valentine cards in the 1840s, and was named “Mother of the Valentine” for her handmade cards that she decorated with vibrant colors, lace, and ribbon. Thanks a lot, Esther. It was all downhill from there, with companies like Hallmark and the Greeting Card Association exploiting this dumb holiday to make money off of us idiots who cave into the nonsense associated with Valentine’s Day.

To wrap things up, Valentine’s Day is freaking stupid. No one can really pinpoint what exactly started all of this, which makes it pointless to give into the holiday that is truly centered around corporate greed, and not the fuzzy memories of some fucked up St. Valentine characters. You’re probably thinking that I’m some angsty teen who’s pessimistic towards relationships out of spite and jealousy, and you’re exactly right! I’m petty. I’m envious. I’m bitter. And I hate Valentine’s Day. Get over it.