I have to admit, I have always struggled heavily with Lent. When I was younger, I was unsure as to what I should give up. I tried chocolate, pop, meat, etc., but nothing seemed to be "worthy" enough to give up. Needless to say, I had a very screwed up time with Lent. However, I always understood its meaning.

In recent years, I have become more desperate to give up something meaningful for Lent. As my faith grows deeper, my desire to show Him the extent of my devotion has become stronger. But, I'm always left thinking, "What is so important to me that I could give up?" This year, I sat on this question for days before Lent began. I prayed countless times, asking God to give me something that I should give up. As per usual, I received no such things. I was left stuck, needing to provide myself with my own answers. Or, I at least thought this was where I needed to go. You see, there is a quality about me and my relationship with God that I don't headline: He always provides me with answers AFTER the fact. This Lent, I was given just that.

Throughout the period of Lent, God sent me several challenges that I was forced to overcome alone. He didn't provide me endless guidance, rather He forced me to go out, seek my own support, and navigate myself through my struggles over the course of Lent. At first, I couldn't understand why all of these things were happening. I struggled to balance school, life, and these issues. I would stay up until 3AM crying, then get up at 8AM to keep my life on track. Following that, I'd go to work, then my service fraternity. I would constantly fall into this cycle, while not understanding why it was happening.

In order to survive this time of harsh words, hatred, loneliness, and anger, I realized something massive: I needed to give up and let go. I had to give up my hatred. I had to give up my anger. I had to give up control. And finally, I needed to ACTUALLY let go and let God. This phrase was something that, prior to Lent, I could not understand or follow. Me, giving up control? No way, never. However, after experiencing what I did during Lent, I was able to finally see the importance of this phrase and the crucial reality hidden within. I realized that I could no longer live my life in complete control. My idea of controlling every piece of my life was not going to work anymore. So, after a lot of prayer and fighting with myself, I was able to give up my anger, hatred, and control. Instead of allowing those negative pieces to consume my heart, I let God finally take over. I let Him absorb all of those things and provide me with love, care, and affirmation of who I was. Once I did this, I felt a surge of peace and happiness. I was given new people that have turned my life around. It felt as though everything in my life had fallen into place. I was no longer trying to control a million things at once. Instead, I was suddenly able to see things as they came. I was able to balance work, school, and anything else that came in my way because, finally, I was not facing everything alone.

Now, it has become easy for me to let God take control of the things that I cannot. Since this, I've actually been able to balance more than just school and work. I can balance the gym, going out, being with friends, and even ~light~ dating. It's truly a beautiful thing to me. For years, I had overcomplicated the idea of letting go and letting God. The truth is, my heart wasn't ready; however, after this Lenten season I was forced to be ready. God finally stopped allowing me to suffer so severely. He showed me the consequences of trying to be totally in control. He sent me into the most lowest point of my life so that He could show me what His rescue looked like.

There's so much relief in letting go that I had not known. How gorgeous is His grace and how gorgeous is the way He showed me. There really is beauty in pain. There is beauty in growth. There is also beauty in letting go.