There exists a common, overarching belief about feminists and social justice folks. Usually the belief is projected upon the bunch by folks who don't like feminism and love marriage, but that's not the point.
Feminists believe marriage is a sham, not enough, patriarchal, an old tradition that should be thrown out, or too extravagant and costly to be worth anything. Is that it? They may think marriage is an exclusive religious institution. They may even think marriage is bad and should be replaced with free love, polygamy, and communal relationships. Some think "wife" is too close to "property" and are uncomfortable with the idea of a woman being given away to someone. Right?
Their points are all valid in their own ways. Some feminists definitely believe those things, and some weddings are definitely like that.
However, I'm the angriest, queerest (working on the intersectionality thing) feminist you may ever meet, and I'm obsessed with weddings. Especially my own wedding.
When people ask me what kind of wedding I want, I tell them I want a big one. When they ask what I'd be comfortable paying for a wedding dress, a venue, or food, I tell them I will pay the exact amount my desires cost. If you're wondering, cheesecake, somewhere near a water feature in the late summer or early fall, themed decorations, and the dress—well, I'll get there eventually.
When people ask why I care about my wedding so much, I answer honestly. There's nothing cooler to me than a big party that celebrates love and commitment. There's nothing cooler to me than bringing two families together as a result of two people falling in love. There's nothing cooler than dressing up, planning an event, eating, dancing, and partying about your willingness to commit to someone forever because you love them so darn much.
Marriage is not (as far as I'm concerned) about a scary binding contract. Maybe it is for some people, but not me. To me, marriage is one of the most feminist things you could do. In my world, feminism is synonymous with love, celebration, equality, and commitment to people and values. I think a wedding is a celebration, not a blood pact. It's just a "I'm pretty darn sure" pact. I will be no one's property. I will be so much their equal they will declare it at the altar.
My partner doesn't ever want to be married? Probably a deal breaker.
My partner wants the wedding to be based around some atrocious color or color combination? Probably a deal breaker.
My partner wants a tiny wedding? Well, they can have their "groom" list, and I can have my "bride" list. I have at least a hundred people to invite, and no one will be left out at their request.
I have other hard limits about my wedding, too. There will be no alcohol. End of discussion. If my partner feels like there has to be alcohol, then we won't be getting married. My dress will not have sleeves. I will not be subjected to things I'm allergic to. My party will not be only women. My bridal party will be gender inclusive and full of people I love.
Of course, I plan to involve my partner in every other choice. The colors, favors, foods, and location are all up for discussion. The outfits? Sure. The music options? Yeah, as long as we get some good ones in there. Heck, if my partner of the future wants the ceremony to be religious, I'll consider it, as long as nothing about the ceremony is sexist, creepy, or anti-gay. Seeing as I'm bound to marry a queer or at least queer-friendly person, that would be awkward for all involved.
Babies will be free to cry in the audience. Kids will be free to walk through the aisles. Everyone will eat as much as they want. The day won't be about me. It will be about me and my partner, but more importantly, about every guest partaking in the event. Marriage is about two families coming together, whether they like each other or not, because their children loved each other so much.
