I have always struggled with the concept of "space" when it came to relationships. I struggle with general anxiety, but, more specifically, I have had a hard time with separation anxiety. From the time that I was very a little, I hated being away from the people that I loved and spent the most time with, for example, my mom. Today it has transferred into my relationships.
Yes, that makes me sound like a "stage five clinger" and I am sure there have been several times that it has looked as such as well. However, let me defend myself because I don’t think this is something I wanted to feel.
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When I was younger I was unable to rationalize this anxiety. I couldn’t comprehend why people had to leave and why I couldn’t go with them. It was terrifying and way out of my control.
Today, I can’t say these feelings are any less scary, but they have become easier to understand. In the back of my mind I know that everything is going to be OK if this person isn’t by my side and I will see them the next time that we both become available, but that feeling I get in my chest and the discomfort from the anxiety still makes it difficult to take space or time away from my significant other. It still isn’t something that I could just turn off. I don’t know that it ever will be.
But, I really don’t want to focus on my anxiety as much as I want to focus on the concept of space between two people and how absolutely important it is.
For a long time, my boyfriend and I spent about 85 percent of our free time together, if not more than that. And for a while that was great. We were so happy; we missed the other one when they were away and we were always excited to get to each other after being apart.
Well, eventually these extended periods of being with each other had been filled with a lot less happiness and a lot more frustration. My boyfriend had expressed that he thought maybe we were spending too much time together and that he didn’t want to break up, but he felt that we should spend more time as individual people.
My separation anxiety was having a field day at this point in our relationship. It was fueling the fire behind most of our arguments and was taking us both to a breaking point that we weren’t sure we could come back from.
I had to make a choice of whether I wasn’t going to let my anxiety ruin something I cared so much about or if I was going to use the newfound space I was being given.
It has taken me awhile, but I now see the importance and value of space between two people and I feel confident in encouraging my readers who struggle with this same issue to embrace the space that makes you anxious or uncomfortable.
I want to bring all of you back to the time when you and your significant other met. Most of you were probably single individuals who had your own life. You were doing what you wanted to do whenever and however you wanted it to be done. Your boyfriend/girlfriend noticed something about you as individual that set you apart from all of the other single people they had ever met. They probably noticed multiple things about you for that matter, but they liked you for you, which is my point. The same applies to how you ended up falling for them. Two individuals met, liked what they had to offer and the rest is history, right?
I am not implying that who you and your significant other are when you’re together isn’t as important to a relationship being successful, but why should we give away what made us fall for each other in the first place? Why would I trade myself, or why should he trade himself, to only be who we were when we had the other around? Not to mention, how could either of us possibly appreciate the time we spent together if we never really experience time apart?
The answers are that you shouldn’t be and you absolutely can’t.
You should never lose yourself to anyone, no matter how much you love them. A healthy relationship encourages growth as individuals. You and your significant other should push each other to be better than each of you were the day before. No one can be exactly the same person, nor can anyone succeed trying to be someone other than themselves.
Having space from your significant other or in any type of relationship for that matter isn't negative all of the time. It is very easy to take the phrase “I need space” personally, but you shouldn’t. Take this time to get back to what made you the individual you were when the two of you met. Focus on building yourself and doing something you enjoy, and not just for the sake of the relationship, but for your own good as well.
Taking space from your significant other can also bring the two of you closer together. It can allow for each of you to have an opportunity to remember what was so great about spending time together and put a "spark" back into the relationship that might have faded after being together 24/7.
I am not going to lie and tell you that this process of embracing space between you and your significant other will be easy, but it is worth it. Good things happen when you appreciate living your own life. You might learn something new about yourself, find a new hobby, make new friends, strengthen your relationship, or you might even find that you are better off without the person you were scared to be away from. Maybe when they told you "absence makes the heart grow fonder," they didn’t just mean for a significant other, but for yourself.
