Eight months ago, I made the life-changing decision to end my habit of using the “c word.” It all began when I challenged myself to take a mental note every time I said the word throughout one day. Let’s just say I lost count at around 10 A.M. and decided I needed a “c word” cleanse: similar to a juice cleanse but minus the diarrhea.

Fortunately, I am not talking about the derogatory term that is used all too lightly nowadays. Although, I will admit that specific “c word” has slipped out of my mouth during the occasional altercation with idiotic drivers—not my finest of hours.

Today I am talking about the word… (cue the music):

Control.

If we venture back to the beginning of time, having control over your environment meant you had a better chance of survival. This evolutionary finding still shows up in our modern day world and will continue to appear in our lives until robots takeover and restructure the subconscious mind.

For me, the need for a sense of control shows up in just about every form: what I eat, how much I exercise, my grades, my skincare routine and all the way to the state of my cuticles. Notice how all of these sources of control are surface level—more of an atmospheric level in my opinion—and have nothing to do with social interaction. As a matter of fact, these anxiety diffusing habits drove me further away from my relationships more than anything.

I realized that controlling my daily calorie intake and the breakouts on my face only provided me a temporary sense of relief. My endeavors to find control in my life ended up taking my powers away entirely. Once I made this connection, I decided to rid my vocabulary of the “c word” and replace it with words such as “friendship,” “love,” “goals,” “vulnerability,” “authenticity” and “family.”

Putting my time and effort into the people in my life who will be there when there isn’t anything left to pick at my nails or when counting macros leaves me feeling empty and distressed will provide me that sense of purpose that helps patch up the hole created by my misconstrued concept of the “c word.”

Granted, this is still a relatively new undertaking of mine, however, I am already feeling a shift in my demeanor. Mornings now breath possibility into my lungs rather than forcing me into lifeless routine.

I feel like I am discovering myself for the first time. And I am really excited to meet her.