November 1, 2015-November 1,2016
I have always been a little boy crazy. It is a flaw in my brain.
I put so much confidence in the guys that I dated. I relied on those guys to make me feel pretty, smart, confident, and wanted.
When I was in elementary school, I was not the pretty girl. I never felt like it. I didn't have many friends. I was usually alone. In middle school, things changed a little. I became a little more outgoing. I had lots of friends. I realized I was good in school, especially math. I developed a sense of who I was.
High school was even better. I enrolled in a baccalaureate school. I went to a school where virtually nobody knew who I was. I could be anyone I wanted to be. Guys actually started noticing that I existed, so I put a little too much value in that. I slacked off in school. I lost a lot of confidence in myself. I didn't feel smart anymore. Honestly, I felt like I didn't belong. So, after my sophomore year, when I had failed a class, I transferred into the high school at home. I had to work a little harder to pull my GPA up and eliminate that failing class. I did it, all of it. I worked hard enough to be able to excel in all of my classes and make a good score on the ACT.
I was the girl who used guys' attention to make me feel good about myself rather than feeling that inside.
I have had a few really bad relationships, almost bad enough that it makes me want to give up on them completely. A relationship that ended last year put me in a rough patch. I jumped into a relationship where I barely knew they guy. And when we broke up, I was devastated. Luckily, I have a best friend who loves me dearly. So together we decided on a pact where neither of us dated for a year.
This year was supposed to be a year of looking to God for the answers. I was to spend this year not worrying about boys, but focusing on school and building a stronger faith. I still worried about boys a little, but I found something in myself over this past year.
I found a sense of who I am. I am independent. I am intelligent. I am a hard worker. I am loving and caring to a fault. I am so many things that i know now because of this past year.
I chose not to date anyone for a year. It was one of the best decisions I ever made. I have come to realize that I don't need to be in a relationship all the time. I am okay with being alone.
My one-year guy fast is almost over and I can say that I am content with the outcome.
Rely on yourself for your self-worth, but more than that, rely on God. You were made in His image. You are beautiful. Never forget it.
