When we think of life’s necessities, we think of a career, money, friends, etc. We put pleasing others before pleasing ourselves. It’s how we feel we’ll do better in the world, and leave a better impression. However, THE most important thing that should be above all other obligations is self-love.

Now, self-love isn’t just waking up in the morning and being okay with what you see in the mirror and not feeling insecure all day, no. Self-love is waking up, loving, adoring what you see in the mirror before and after getting ready. Self-love is looking in the mirror in the bathroom at work or school, when your makeup has become blotchy and your outfit doesn’t fit the same it did this morning and still loving what you see. Even further, self-love is NOT just loving what you look like. Self-love is loving who you are, who you aspire to be, and enjoying life without insecurity. It’s a pretty foreign concept to most. It used to be an impossible goal for me.

There was a point in my life, like most people, where I couldn’t stand what I saw in the mirror. I pointed out every blemish and every flaw to myself. Most of them, nobody saw but me. I cried myself to sleep on many occasions because I could not stand who I was. I felt truly disgusted and worthless. This mind set is extremely dangerous. People don’t realize that when you let yourself think negatively about yourself, you start to welcome one negative thing after another right into your life. You think so little of yourself that you are careless with what and who you let in your life.

Take me, for example. Around the time I started to hate myself, I met a boy. This boy started off like most of them do: sweet, charming, etc. He told me things like “You’re so beautiful,” and “How do you not have a boyfriend?” These things obviously made me feel better about myself, so it was really easy and comforting to let him in. As you probably guessed, things didn’t stay like this for long. But, we didn’t just break up because I knew I deserved better, no. I didn’t know my worth; I thought I didn’t have any. So, I let him walk all over me, completely, for almost two years. He did his damage on me, said horrible things like “You won’t ever find anything better than me," “how could you be such a stupid whore?” and “you’re meaningless.” There were many times I responded with “I know.” He also told me what I could and couldn’t wear, who I could and couldn’t hang out with, and basically ran my life, and I let him take the wheel. You see, the me I am now would’ve jumped off that boat before it even sailed. But, I already thought these things about myself, he just reminded me that they were “true.” When he yelled these things in my face, I agreed with him. I thought I had no worth, so it wasn’t a big deal when somebody thought the same. I welcomed this dangerous negativity because my mind was filled with dangerous negativity. I’m not blaming myself for how toxic the relationship was, I’m blaming the fact that I had no self-confidence. No self-confidence to know that the things he was saying were NOT okay. No self-confidence to contradict his statements. No self-confidence to leave. I was so easily convinced that there was nothing better out there for me because I didn’t think anything of myself. Sure, he said the words, but I agreed with them before they even came out of his mouth. I set the trap up myself. I let him walk, trample all over me for two years because I didn’t have a spec of self-love.

That relationship would have been non-existent had I been as confident as I am now. I know my worth, and NOBODY deserves that. He was toxic and abusive. It honestly breaks my heart that I hated myself so much, that I let a guy mentally abuse me for two years, and I didn’t see anything wrong with most of it. If I had put my self-love before anything else, I would’ve known I deserved far better, I wouldn’t have put his feelings before mine, I would have seen a future without him regardless of what he said. Two years would have been saved by self-love itself.

Having self-love will improve every part of your life. Self-hatred is distracting and dangerous. There are consistent negative things racing through your mind about yourself, so you close yourself off from the world and don’t notice when negative things are beating you down.

Without self hatred, you will be more social because you have the confidence to talk to others and to meet new people. Instead of the crippling fear that you would say something stupid or awkward, or that you aren’t “interesting enough” to meet new people. All of those worries disappear when you love yourself. You speak with confidence no matter whom you’re speaking to, therefore your friendships will be improved, and meeting new people is no longer a nightmare. And all toxic people will be blocked off because you know your worth.

Life all together becomes a far more simple ride when you learn to love every piece of yourself. You let the huge weight that is self-hatred off of your shoulders and become free. Free to do and conquer anything in the world, alone. Toxic feelings and people are erased and no longer let in. You’ll be able to walk down the street with utter confidence and a perfect smile instead of wondering what everyone is thinking of you. You’ll be able to do this because you won’t care what other people think. You know that the only opinion that matters is your own.

I am so grateful I learned this. I learned I am worth so much more than I gave myself, I am beautiful, and I can do anything I set my mind to. After I began to love myself, I moved to a huge city and to an art school where I knew no one. The me I used to be would have never even attempted. But I started to believe I could succeed with what I loved, because I can. And throughout college, I have accepted every piece of myself as it is and learned to adore it completely. Life has never been better honestly.

And here’s my news for you.

You deserve so much more than you think you do.

You are perfect. You are beautiful.

You can do ANYTHING you set your mind to, no matter how impossible it may seem.

You do not deserve to be hurt, or told who you are or who you should be.

You deserve to put your feelings and your life above everyone else’s.

You are not worthless or meaningless.

You are not ugly.

You deserve to love yourself.

Self-love is possible for you, and you are capable of it. You can do this.