I have always considered myself a very confident person. Anybody who knows me will tell you that I've got a huge personality that's pretty in your face. I'm loud, I'm super inappropriate and I love to laugh-a lot of times at myself. I have a self-deprecating sense of humor and I can take a joke thanks to my youth group that spent the majority of our time roasting each other when I was growing up.
So yeah, insecure probably isn't a word that anybody would use to describe me. In fact I never thought of myself as insecure either. However, all day everyday I kept up a constant stream of negativity about myself in my head. It was just habit. Whether it would be me critiquing how I looked in my clothes or rehashing a conversation that I had with someone looking for any little thing I had done wrong-I was constantly picking myself apart.
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All day, everyday. I would often joke around about how I looked like a mess or how I'm so annoying-never realizing I was actually starting to believe it.
So when people would talk about loving yourself and practicing being nice to yourself I didn't really pay attention. I didn't think I needed it. I never realized how much the constant stream of negativity that I thought about myself all day was unhealthy and detrimental to my well being. I thought it was normal. I mean c'mon this is me we're talking about. The loud one. The crazy one! There is no way I'm insecure.
But I was. It wasn't until this past year that the negative thoughts reached a boiling point. I had gained a good amount of weight from college, stress and just the love of food and I guess that was the tipping point for my insecurity to start literally eating me alive. I hated myself. I stopped wanting to go anywhere, I avoided seeing people who I hadn't seen in a long time because they would see I had gained weight, and when I had to I would spend the whole time I was getting ready freaking out about how I felt fat.
Any trip me and my boyfriend would I take I would spend looking at other girls and hating myself because I thought they looked better. It was bad. But if you asked anybody, they probably didn't notice how much serious I was when I was "joking" about hating everything about me.
While I was going through this period of negativity toward myself, I constantly saw people I followed on Twitter talking about the idea of self love. For the first time, the idea didn't sound weird. I wanted to love myself, or even just be nice to myself-there was just one problem. I had no idea how. How do you love yourself when you have so many things you want to change?
Revelation came for me when I saw a post on Instagram talking about how you have to love yourself at every stage you're in. It's okay to want to change something about yourself, as long as you know that you are already beautiful the way you are. It was okay that I have stuff I want to change about myself - because everybody does. But, I can do so in a way that isn't tearing myself down every single second.
Now this wasn't an immediate change and I definitely still have to work on my mindset every day. The important part is to make a conscious decision to be nicer in the way we think about ourselves. If you wouldn't say something to your best friend, significant other or grandma you shouldn't say it to yourself. It takes practice to interrupt that nasty little voice in your head telling you everything that's "wrong" with you, but recognizing the negativity we feed ourselves is half the battle.
I'm still working on this. It takes practice. Whenever I accidentally think something mean about myself, I make myself think of something I like about myself. At first it seemed silly and dumb, but it has gotten easier and honestly it works. The more you think nice things about yourself, the easier it becomes and the nasty voice gets smaller and smaller.
And - hopefully, someday, it will be nonexistent.
So take a cue from this girl who is still learning and find something you can do to practice self love. Whatever it is, whether it be telling yourself three things you like about yourself every morning or taking a selfie every day, work on accepting yourself in every stage that you're in. At the end of the day (and at the risk of sounding trite) we only get this one life to live and we shouldn't spend it tearing ourselves down...we should spend it loving all the crazy, messy parts of ourselves that make us human, and make us amazing.
