Have you ever noticed that after you find out two people have started dating they are usually pretty serious really soon? At least it looks this way on Facebook. Relationships are pretty easy during the first year. Okay, maybe not easy, but easier. Everything feels perfect, right?
Everyone is usually on their best behavior when they first get infatuated with someone. We always look to impress the other person and force ourselves to be someone that we know we can be, but usually aren’t day to day. So, why after a year, maybe earlier, maybe later, do we get lazy with being the best significant other we can be?
When we first start dating someone we are in the “falling in love” phase. Sounds weird, right? How can someone be in the “falling in love” phase right after they meet someone? Well, you are “falling in love” with the way they treat you. You are “falling in love” with the things they do for you, and you want to do a lot for them in return. You might not actually be “falling in love” just yet, but you love the idea of them, and there really isn’t anything wrong with your relationship. Everything is going great and there’s nothing you can complain about. Even if you could find something to complain about, it doesn’t compare to the good things you see, so you just brush it off. It’s almost like we are "falling in love” with a fictional character. A character that we watch in a movie for two hours, and then read that in real life they have nothing in common with the character they played.
As time passes and you share more time together, maybe six months into it, your true colors start to show through one day when you have had a bad day. Maybe you are really hangry (hangry = hungry + angry for the old souls) or just holding in stress and finally releasing your raw emotions in front of them. We start exhibiting our true selves and that is when we find out how “in love” we really are or aren’t.
I was told once that the couples who don’t argue have the best relationships. I used to think to myself, “Wow, I want to find that.” As I get older and have experienced more relationships, I realize just how important arguments are. Not fighting arguments where you attack one another with harsh words, but chivalrous arguments that reach a solution and keep you from going to bed angry. In my opinion, occasional arguments are crucial for a healthy relationship. If you don’t argue, how are you supposed to express that you care? You always have to choose your battles wisely, but any one that chooses to go to battle, obviously has something to fight for.
When we get past the surface phase, and we start to peel back our layers and express ourselves with no shame to our “person”, that is when “true love” shows up. This is when everything gets “harder”. We have bad days and they show, we take out our frustrations with work out on the other person, and we misplace our anger towards them. We start to realize that they will “always be there”, and the things that were important to make apparent in the beginning, go on the back burner. The quality time we made space for in our lives is now last on our to-do lists, and replaced with other “important” things. We start taking for granted their presence and start to become complacent with just going through the motions.
I have started reading the book, “The 5 Love Languages” recently, and it has completely changed my outlook on my relationship and the way that I express love and need love. It makes you realize just how lazy we get when we start getting comfortable and stop making time for the small things. It helps you see that just because you feel love a certain way, doesn’t mean that your significant other feels love the same way. You might feel love by hearing what you do is appreciated, but maybe your significant other needs to feel love by you making time for them (actually putting your phone down and turning the T.V. off, giving them your undivided attention.) I have learned from reading this that we all have love tanks, and when we aren’t being loved the way that we need to be loved, we start to resent the other person as our love tank empties.
You need to express emotions. When you are angry, be angry. When you are sad, you can cry. When you are happy, wear that smile as long as possible. I have grown up in a generation that is horrible at communicating and expressing themselves. Most people can only express themselves through text message or a Facebook post, “feeling” a certain type of way and getting “likes” to validate their premonitions. Most people aren’t mind readers, so if something bothers you, express it. If you were in-the-wrong yesterday, say you’re sorry. Even if you weren’t wrong yesterday, say you’re sorry. If there is a void in your relationship, figure it out. How do you feel love? What makes you feel loved? How do they feel loved? What fills their love tank? Watching relationships other than my own, I have learned to appreciate mine that much more. I have watched so many people give up at the first sight of error. As soon as something doesn’t align with the way they want it to go, the easiest thing to do is to leave.
In conclusion, relationships don't get harder, they get real. Real means passion is involved, and anything that you are passionate about is worth your energy. Most people see situations one sided and automatically blame the other person. Why? Because it’s easier of course. Lazy people look for the easy route that takes less energy. Laziness means to not give any effort, and where does that get anyone? No where. Put down your phones and look up at the person sitting across from you at dinner. Appreciate what is right and fix what is wrong. Stop being lazy. Be naked (not literally, or maybe literally if that’s what you want). Be you, and be the best real version of yourself that you were when you first met your significant other one year ago. Don't let who you were at first be a fictional character. Open the door for her again, tell him you appreciate that he paid for your meal even though he always does. Whatever it is that you slack on doing now that you used to do, do it. I’m no relationship expert by any means, I have my days and my own issues, but tell me you don't see any benefits after focusing one week on spending time loving your significant other the way they need to be loved, and you can tell me I was wrong. In conclusion, relationships don't get “harder”, they actually get easier once you see someone at their bottom layer, we just get lazy.
