First off let’s just say they have been a band now officially for 10 years, yes you heard that right, 10 fabulous amazing years. Their first album, A Flair For The Dramatic, came out 10 years ago now and I am very emotional and proud about it. But let's get back to why I actually love them. I’ve been listening to them for 9 out of these 10 years. I first heard of them on youtube, so thanks youtube for being a godsend and blessing me with 4 great boys. I have been hooked and loved them ever since and actually never stopped listening to them. Sure of course going through few periods over the years of not listening to them, but generally consistently listening to them. At first, I didn’t think they would mean so much to me as of 9 years ago I was 11, like how crazy is that? From 2008 until 2010 they only served the purpose of just being a band in someones life.
As someone who’s been diagnosed with multiple mental illnesses since the ripe old age of 7 I always struggled to know the real me, as I didn't know myself. Attempting to live life as a little kid, was extremely hard for me. As a kid I struggling with depression, anxiety, a learning disability specifically withholding information. As well as a speech impairment specially pronouncing my r’s and vision as I have glasses to help with a stigmatism, near sightedness and my right eye predominately leaning towards the right. Which I still have as it can’t be corrected as of yet. With this, no one noticed my eye leaning towards the right as my glasses corrected it. But with the rest including me being taken out of class for extra help for speech and memory help, it was embarrassing. Also being subject to pretty intense bullying it made school a living hell for me. Not to mention I’m overweight and have always been, let’s say, school was and never will be a good memory, nor was it fun in the slightest. As I was teased for all of this, plus being the “teacher’s pet”, being overly smart, yet very bad at math, loving learning and being a bookworm. I was never the popular one to say the least.
Being in school it was always hard for me to make friends as I had a hard time socializing as at that time I had an extreme case of social anxiety. As now I have only a moderate case of social anxiety. I cried for 1/2hr at the beginning of my first grade class for my mom for half the year. I wouldn’t talk to anyone except one or two friends. At the time my mom worked with a blind student in my grade so she had to calm me down every morning. From first to fifth grade, I was desperate to have friends as most left me by second grade. During this time, part of a result of mental illness and part of trying to be cool to fit in, I became a compulsive liar and made up a few stories here and their. Which in turn most didn’t believe and made people bully me more. Moreover all this, I was always ridiculed for this and for my learning disability so I didn’t have many friends growing up. Furthermore, I resorted to many wrong people who would turn up not so good. I ended up hanging around some of the bad kids in my grade and the grade ahead of me.
As I was growing up in middle school I was lonelier than ever, even resorting to trying to talk to my sisters friends on social media, which in theory is creepy, which definitely I was called out for and well deserved. Through all these years, I believed everyone when they said something nasty to me, as I hadn't known who me was in the first place. I was never able to form what me was earlier on, which has messed me up. As I would and was put in some pretty bad situations out of craving attention and not caring of the repercussions. Obviously looking back, I was only trying to figure myself out, which I honestly am still today. While thank god I was never sexually abused or really psychically harmed much it left a lingering scar and most was verbal.
Sadly enough, it was only third grade when I turned into having bad habits, I started various forms of self harm, such as cutting. I truly did this from third grade until beginning of senior year in 2014. I honestly didn’t know what changed in me to actually stop, but it’s like a switch came on, I felt like I didn’t want to anymore.
With how much pain, guilt, anxious, depressed place I was, I hd no one to talk to, sure I had few friends, but I never felt I could turn to them, which is silly because the friends I could turn to actually had similar diagnoses as me, but different experiences. I was honestly just so clouded with how badly I hurt and envied everyone. During this time I was just so deep rooted I didn’t see a way out, I actually tried suicide a few times, never enough for anyone to suspect, notice or even go to the hospital but enough to be dangerous, at least semi. For a really long time, up until honestly I’d say a year or two ago now I was a very hateful, angry, hurt, pissed off lady. It really left me hurt, angry, revenge seeking, negative seeking and just so deep into it, I honestly didn’t see the extent of it, until I was receiving the negativity back. Even online, I made up this depressed persona, never faking it, but I just put out the negativity I was experiencing and feeling. I was engrossed in it, never really wanting to stop and feeling this some kind of greatness from posting these negative, depressing posts. I was always angry and wanting to fight, still something I am admitly working on to this day. While my anger isn’t as bad as it used to be, it is still slightly bad.
When I listened to Pierce The Veil, like I said, I didn’t understand the lyrics to their first album, as it wasn’t relevant to me, as I wasn’t old enough to understand, nor did I realize how they would affect me and would mean to me. But when 2010 came around, it really changed me forever. This particular album, The Selfish Machines, really impacted me as a person. It described how I was feeling inside, I felt confused as to how they knew how I was feeling, how they could write something so beautiful. Only to realize years later, a most if not all the members in the band went through similar situations as me. While I felt foolish for feeling the way I did, at the time it made me feel better, it lifted my spirits. It made me feel welcomed, included and happy that someone felt the way I did. But little did I know two years later, they would come out with a banger of a album that would really hit me hard and hit home. During 2012, I was going through a lot of emotions and new things that I didn’t know how to cope with nor wanted to. 2012, was a turning point for me as I realized my mental illnesses were out of hand and I needed help. I felt as though I was drowning, I didn’t even speak up out of fear as mental illness wasn’t accepted nor talked of in my family or community. It was always joked about and seen as weak, but I always knew it wasn’t, not to mention I was always interested in it, hence why I am now in college for psychology. The album, Collide With The Sky threw me through a loop. I was feeling all kinds of emotions that I didn’t even know what they were or how to deal with. I couldn’t express it, but when 2013 came around I was thrown through the roof and out of wack. Hence being the worst year I can remember, I had to deal with a friend’s suicide, a friend leaving me and all social media and a bunch of other stressful things sending my mental illness in overdrive. I was honestly self harming almost every day, I was also told on by a friend of what I was doing, they told the nurse at school. Thus making my parents aware, then me never opening up, then I was thrown in therapy at school which I never wanted, I was also forced to try to see a therapist outside of school, which never worked out. I was a mess, but I always stuck it out, at this time all I had was music. I always had Pierce The Veil’s music on repeat, which truly helped me.
I always had a understanding of these albums and what the songs meant, but it wasn’t until this very year I actually learned, understood and resonated with their albums. Their music, at this point were the only things keeping me alive and keeping me afloat. I was so inspired by their music to at least attempt to get myself better. I never got into any therapy, looking back I do regret, but you can’t change the past, learned the hard way on that one. But that year was the year I looked up to them, they we’re the inspirations I was looking for. In their music I found hope, courage, happiness, the beauty in things, they were the ones to always be their. They were the ones I could listen to and have a virtual hug when I needed, anytime I felt bad I immediately listened to them. I don’t know what changed in my brain to change my ways, but I am forever grateful to have.They truly made everything in my life better, at any concert they played that I went to, I felt at home, like the people around me included and accepted me. I felt truly accepted unapologetically and lovingly, we came together as one and never looked back. We we’re forever connected as just humans nothing more or less. I met so many friends because of their music, true friends that accepted and loved me for the real me, flaws and all. All friends that still are mine to this day.
Pierce The Veil, was and is always going to be the band that inspired me to be myself, unapologetically, know my boundaries, make me believe theirs hope, that life is worth living, that thiers a purpose to this world. Maybe I don’t know what it is yet, but I know it’s coming, they taught me to love again, that it’s ok to not be ok, that it’s ok to feel emotions and the way I'm feeling, they taught me to get help if I needed it. They inspired me to become a better person, how to make myself get out of a shitty hell I was in and that I don’t have to be in the dark anymore. They taught me to just live life again, I couldn’t be more grateful for these four boys I get to call family. I am forever grateful to have met them and tell them how much they mean to me. I am grateful to have even live life, to learn who I am, what I like and don’t, how to just explore. I am forever grateful to have seem them in concert, to meet so many friends I can call family because of them. I am grateful to just have found them at the place I was in, that they taught me the greatest lesson of my life. They we’re the ones to push me to do everything in life, they are my driving force. I am and will forever grateful to have found them, to know them and just everything. I couldn’t thank them enough for everything they have done for me in my life, as I truly believe without them I wouldn’t be here to tell my story of how they helped me and saved my life.
As you may wonder why I am telling you all this, as many would think it is silly to bring up painful memories that I’ve desperately tried to hide and never talk about again. But trust me, it’s actually worth talking about as it actually helps to talk about, but not to mention it may serve as a purpose to someone out their. Maybe it will inspire people not to judge, to care, to get help, defend themselves, give them confidence. Maybe, it’ll be someones reason to laugh, yes I’m sure someone who is a bully will laugh at this and make fun of it, but I say good I hope it does. I have thick skin, I don’t care anymore. Judge me all you want, but I won’t deny I was weak for so long, but they gave me the confidence I need. Whatever this article may be to anyone, I hope it’s what you’re looking for or at least just a interesting read for someone when their bored.
