"I'll pray for you!" It's a common phrase to hear and to say. It's meant to be taken as a sign of hope. And for many people, hearing that someone will pray for them is uplifting and heartwarming. But that is simply not true for everyone. Especially for atheists.
Don't get me wrong, it's a nice thing to say to someone who is struggling, but only when that someone feels the same way you do about religion and prayer. Atheists and other non-Christians tend to find offense in that phrase. They don't hate you for saying it to them, trust me! But it's not what they want to hear, or even need to hear. It's hard to understand, but as someone who is agnostic-atheist, I feel as though I should try to tackle this miscommunication. So here's a short list of possible reasons why people don't want to be told that someone will be praying for them.
1. It's not their belief
This one should be a no-brainer. If someone of a different religion were to announce that their god will heal you and not your own, wouldn't you be mildly offended? It's like being challenged and disregarded. As someone who has been chastised her whole life for not being religious, it's not something I want to go through when I'm having a crisis. The last thing I want to hear is someone unknowingly pushing their religion onto me, thinking they're doing me a favor. It hurts.
2. You're not helping them
You may think you are, but please be honest with yourself. Prayers are not going to treat cancer or meningitis. Prayers will not help someone pass a final. Your atheist friend will not "find God" if you will it through prayer. If you want to help them, do something- and make it kind and catered to their needs. To hear, "I'll pray for you," in an emotionally or physically stressful situation or traumatic moment sounds like you don't want to actually help them. Please don't get offended by this. When someone is hurting, they want relief. Maybe you don't know what you can do for them, but what an atheist, in particular, hears when a religious person says they'll pray is, "I'm putting you in the hands of someone whose existence is controversial because I won't help." It accomplishes nothing.
3. They don't know how to respond
Do I, as a non-believer, shut them down and stand my own ground? Do I downplay my situation in order to avoid confrontation? Do I have to accept it and move on? Thanking the person who said it feels like a lie. Saying something sarcastic to point out my atheism is just as rude as having religion forced on me. It's awkward.
4. They don't believe you'll do it
Maybe they do believe in the power of prayer and will, but might feel as though you'll forget or are just saying it to appease them. They don't actually believe you will go home and speak to your god and ask for their well-being to be addressed. It's an empty promise.
5. Your tone of voice is condescending
In an argument or heated debate (especially concerning religion), being told, "I'll pray for you" is a giant middle finger in the face. It's arrogant and rude. And yes, you meant it that way, too. It's your way of getting the last word in and having what is seen as the upper hand. You're placing yourself up on a pedestal as the exemplary, "holier-than-thou" type. You may think you're being the bigger person, but you're actually being very selfish and conceited.
6. It makes them feel disrespected as an atheist
Point blank, I would NEVER say to a Christian in a time of crisis that God won't save them because I personally believe he doesn't exist. So why should you say the opposite? If you know the person is atheist (or simply just not Christian), keep your religion and your prayers to yourself.
7. They like that you're thinking of them... but not that you're talking about them.
When you pray, you say something once and won't say it again (cue Talking Heads). Telling a person that they'll be in your thoughts seems more permanent, like they are actually important to you and you intend to help, or at least be there for them. There really is a difference. Remember how your parents always told you to be mindful of what you say, how you say it, and who you say it to? To an atheist, prayer is a cop-out, not an answer. To an atheist, hearing that they'll be in someone's thoughts will make them feel more appreciated and will not challenge their identity as a non-believer. Their religion (or lack thereof) has nothing to do with whatever crisis they may be dealing with at a certain point in their lives, and honestly just want the people they love to be there for support.
Remember: Telling someone you'll pray for them is a nice gesture, but that is all it is to some people: a gesture. If you want to be respectful of them and make them feel less lonely or broken, the last thing you should do is bring religion into the mix unnecessarily. Respect everyone. Help those you love. Go ahead and pray for them if that's your thing, but be sincere. Not everyone prays or believes in the power of it, just like not everyone eats meat or goes to college, and the kindest thing you can do for someone in need is to put their needs, wants and beliefs before your own.
(Hope this article was insightful.)
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