“I felt like crying but nothing came out. It was just a sort of sad sickness, sick sad, when you can't feel any worse. I think you know it. I think everybody knows it now and then. But I think I have known it pretty often, too often.” – Charles Bukowski, “Tales of Ordinary Madness”

There once was a time that I could not wait for October. I loved the smell, the crispness in my lungs on a cold evening, the sound of the leaves crunching beneath my feet- I loved it all. I would count down the days until Halloween when I could dress up in costumes and celebrate with my friends. I loved the bonfires, the scary movies, and a nice up of hot cider while curled up with a good book. I used to love October, now it makes me sad.

Ten years ago, I lost my dad. October 15, 2006. I will remember the day prior and that day for as long as my memory holds on. I lost my hero, my friend, and my favorite man in the entire world. He was gone, just like that and I was left to keep trucking on. I always resented the two weeks in October leading up to that date. However, I always knew I had to get through fifteen days in October and then I could move on again until the next year. I did not like the first half of October, but the second half had never let me down.

That was until October 31, 2014. The day that would break my heart all over again. I lost one of my closest friends. Her departure from this world left a hole that will never be filled. She was one-of-a-kind, a free-spirit, friend for life type of person. She could light up an entire room with a smile and make you feel like a part of her family. I loved and still love her deeply.

She was the type of person that you could go for a couple of weeks not seeing each and pick right back up where you left off. She had the biggest heart and would move mountains for someone she loved. We spent countless hours at her house growing up. When we were younger, we would spend hours in her basement, just listening to music. Once we got a little older, we would still spend time in that basement, but then it would include alcohol. We thought we were cool back then. We spent summers, basically living in that damn basement, but it was the time of our lives. There were far too many memories with her. Far too many things that will haunt me. They haunt me because I miss her. I miss the hell out of her. She makes me mad for leaving and sad at the same time.

I dread each and every October. I dread it because October took the ones I love. The first half I am tortured by the days leading up until the anniversary of my father’s passing. The second, I am left dreading the nightmares that follow losing her. My enthusiasm for the month, the costumes, and the cider, -the excitement, it dwindles. Some days, I want to love October. Others, I resent it. There once was a time that I could not wait for October. Now, I cannot wait until it is over.