I’m sure a lot of people see me playing with my hair or constantly commenting on its color and current length and think I’m being vain or frivolous. Maybe they hear me talking about cutting it all the time and think I’m shallow or obsessive. Being a female in STEM, I’m sure most people would look down on me for spending so much thought and effort on something like my hair or appearance and would underestimate me for it.
Looks can be deceiving. Not everyone knows this, but I have been living with an autoimmune disease called Takayasu’s Arteritis for six years now. Takayasu’s, along with many other autoimmune diseases, can be considered an invisible disease, meaning that my symptoms may not be obvious to onlookers. Part of my medical journey has been taking heavy medication and dealing with their fluctuating side effects, which include a swollen face and neck (often referred to as “moon face”) and hair thinning and fall out. Especially during early high school, a time when I was still finding my way around in my skin and trying to learn how to impress myself, it was the most frustrating feeling of all to look into the mirror and see a version of myself that I associated with being sick and feeble.
I had a side-bangs phase, just like every other 14-year-old girl did — the difference was that I cut my hair that way so I could hide behind it. Then, I decided I was tired of hiding and tired of pretending like I didn’t want people to look at me, so I turned around and rocked the soccer-mom-A-Line-bob cut.
So for five years now, having short hair has been my way of reclaiming myself and being proud of my strength, proud of myself for fighting. Living with my autoimmune disease taught me that unexpected things happen to everyone, but you choose what you take moving forward from those experiences. As for me, I’m now pursuing a career in Immunology research so I can further our understanding of autoimmunity and develop better treatments for these kinds of diseases. Every day, I touch my hair and I think about my journey and my destination.
As for my hair, I keep it blazing red because there’s fire in my soul and I won’t let anyone forget it. I keep it short because it’s how I remind myself to be brave, that I’m not hiding anymore. I fuss over it because it symbolizes everything I’ve faced on my journey to this point and my determination to keep working for my goals: to create new knowledge and a better future.
