2016 is upon us. I sure hope you rang in the New Year admirably like you expected to. I hope everything went according to plan. I hope that you achieved your New Year’s Eve dreams. But unfortunately, I have the feeling you did not. New Year’s Eve is one of those tragic nights that falls in the category of bachelor parties, the lottery, and anything that happens in Vegas.
Events that had the highest potential but ultimately crash and burn in a fiery pit of disappointment and loss of dignity. This year was not so different from the rest: a highly anticipated night where everyone is attempting to try their hardest to party and prove on their social media platforms that they had more fun than anyone else. This sh*tstorm eventually ends up with someone in the hospital after a classic “hold my beer” moment, their mother and father looking over them in utter disappointment. As we all shake our heads collectively at this poor sap, let us reflect on the three reasons why New Year’s Eve really, really sucks.
1. Anticipation And Expectations
After Christmas, the next holiday to look forward to seems to be New Year's. We all spend the week getting ready. This means planning out parties, rides, cabs, food, drinks, outfits, when to eat, sleep, poop, everything. Then something very dangerous seems to happen. We all start to get these ideas in our head about how our night will turn out. How this time, New Year's will be perfect.
How this time, you’ll get that kiss from your next door neighbor, how you’ll find prince/princess charming and dance the night away, how you’ll finally eat six twinkies at the same time, how this time you won’t vomit after attempting to eat six twinkies at the same time. You run this over in your head exactly 14 billion times while you lie in your bed, awaiting for New Year’s Eve dawn to christen your perfect night. This anticipation of the perfect night eventually ruins your entire night. When one thing goes awry, it seems that everything falls apart. Often you’ll see groups of friends collectively consoling their compatriot as they lie down in fetal position, crying their eyes out because they expected Johnny Depp to fly into the party and sweep them off their feet while he was in town.
It could be worse, though: you could be with my parents. Speaking from personal experience, my parents like to enjoy a nice quiet evening gathered around the television watching Masterpiece classic (another show about stuffy old British people). You can never go wrong when you go to bed at nine, right Mom?
2. It’s SO important
Yes, I get it. It’s the last day of X year. No, I very much do understand that tomorrow will be X + 1 year. What I don’t understand is why we put so much emphasis on making this night so important. We get so excited for some reason, and then all our hopes and dreams don’t come true. Everyone also gets so upset when they can’t do anything for this night either. It’s not like there won’t be another party the following weekend. Time is a manmade concept, and blah blah blah. Literally there will always be another party. Do not worry.
3. Everyone’s New Year’s Resolutions
God, don’t even remind me. I’m done eating sugar, I’m going to exercise more, I’m going to get off my butt and get a job. Yeah, right. This year is going to be the same for you as it was last year. Why did you feel the need to wait for Dec. 31 to make this choice? You can literally change any day you want. It does not give you some special power of persistence when you post to your Instagram “New Year, New Me.” These resolutions have a .2 percent chance of continuing into February. If you can manage to kick coffee out of your diet, then I will stop being so cynical. Hell, I’ll start being friendly and writing about cute topics. But for now, get ready for rough 2016.
4. Valentine’s Day Comes Next
For all you single people who didn’t get a New Year’s kiss, and preferred to stick your tongue in an inanimate object such as a glass of champagne, then I’ve got bad news for you. Valentine's day is around the corner, and it’s looking like a doozy. This year I predict more chocolate, pink, stuffed bears than ever before. It’s a mighty hurricane of loving fluff that's going to make you puke your guts out, or make you grip a gallon of ice cream as you stream tears and rom coms.
It’s your choice, though. If you were sad and lonely on New Year's, chances are you’ll be sad and lonely on Valentines, and that’s rough. So go band together with your other single friends, and have a night on the town. Or you could hang out with your friends in relationships because that’s always fun. This is a lovely one-two punch reminder that you are forever alone. So sad.
In all honesty, New Year's isn’t that bad. No, seriously. It’s just another day, that the world goes crazy for 24 hours. It’s just as bad as Black Friday, Mardi Gras and whatever other bullsh*t holiday you can think of. Look out for the sequel to this article, “Why Valentine's Day Sucks” probably coming to you very soon. Get ready, it’s going to be a fun year.
