Most people come up to me and say things like,” Arguing is inevitable” or “Just wait. It’ll get harder.” When I tell people that my wife and I have had a happy marriage or that we’ve never once argued, they retort with some negative comment about how we haven’t seen what marriage is truly like.
My response is,” Why are arguing and fighting considered inevitable in a marriage?”
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Ever since my wife and I have been married, we have never once raised our voices at each other, brought each other down deliberately, or acted out in frustration with each other. It’s not that we aren’t capable of doing so, it’s just that we don’t.
Now if you’re wondering, our relationship is not based on some crazy idea that peace is the solution towards everything, nor is it based on fear of the other person. We don’t go through life constantly restraining ourselves from yelling or vicious arguments.
So how do we do it?
Everyone says that arguing is inevitable. They say that it is considered impossible not to argue or that you’re doing marriage wrong. I want to challenge that idea with my own: Disagreements are inevitable; arguing is optional.
When you look up the definition of arguing in the dictionary, the second definition of the word is exchanging an opposing view in a heated or angry way. (You can thank Google for that.) People say that arguing is healthy for a couple, but I look at it as some means of hurting one for the pride of the other. It’s not that you won’t have different views, but talking it out is a much better option.
My wife and I have constantly had 3 things that have made our marriage the best it could be. It’s not a step by step guide or some other mentality test but more of a perspective and things that have changed our view of marriage, and I would like to share them with you. I have found that this not only eliminates arguments but increases our love for one another. The higher and more mature way of communication we practice shows that we respect each other in a way that a marriage should show.
1. Always Be Humble And Kind
The first thing that has really set us apart is our personalities. She and I both tend to come from families that were very sensitive to the emotions and heart of others. If it seems as though that we could emotionally hurt the other with our words or actions, we refrain from doing so out of love for the other.
No matter what your personality might be, you can always meet in the middle with respect for the other. It’s how you start that can ultimately create the ending. Come with humility and kindness, and you will see the disagreement dissipate faster than you know how to deal with it. It’s not neglecting the issue, but loving the person through the issue.
Now naturally frustrations from work can bleed out into a daily life, and that does cause some effect. Nobody gets it perfect, but when you can explain the cause of your frustrations, it lets the other person know that they are not the cause of your emotions. That can diffuse a situation just as easily.
When something comes up that we cannot agree on, instead of raising our voices or belittling each other, we instead talk about it coming from a place of humility. Me outdoing her isn’t going to solve anything, nor would her tearing me down do anything as well. We both come to the middle with the spouse’s interest at heart.
2. The Problem Is The Problem
There’s one thing that my peers always said that I have kept close in my attitude of my marriage. “Attack the problem, not the person,” they said, and it has made a huge impact. It really comes down to how you want to approach the situation. Do you want to hurt the other person that you love? We can all give a resounding no, so it really makes the disagreement more understanding. You communicate, alleviate the situation, and most of the time the problem is solved.
If you can forgive them before the issue ever starts, then you're already halfway through the battle. Be a better person and forgive them. It's love and grace that we can give that forgiveness to our significant other. After all, it is for better or worse, right?
3. God Is The Pinnacle
The last thing that has been the pillar of our marriage is that we have always kept God at the center of our relationship. Knowing Him and keeping Him in our lives is what has made our marriage work as well as it does. He is the Father of Love and cares for all of us, so being in a relationship with Him and having Him be the focus has made our life full of joy and love.
I give this analogy to those who want a good idea of how it works. Imagine that you have a triangle; you on one side, your spouse on the other, and God on top. The only way you can get closer to your spouse is by getting closer to God. The closer you go up to the top of the triangle, the closer you get to each other. It’s inevitable to have your relationship with each other grow closer and better when you get closer to God. That’s the beauty of loving Jesus.
Now there are so many other ways that you can strengthen your relationship, but these were the ones that helped me the most. It really comes down to how you want your relationship to be. You have to change your actions and your thought patterns to really break those barriers that can arise from time to time. Come at it with humility, talk about the problem, and let God be in the midst of all that you do and you will see extraordinary things come to life.
Life is precious and time can never be taken back, so make the most of what you can. Give your spouse or significant other the love that you both want. Kindness is always reciprocated.
