Last week, my 2-year-old nephew wanted to wear princess-themed sandals. They had Cinderella on them with a giant bow in the front. My mother was telling him to take them off because “They’re for girls,” and I was immediately transported back to my childhood. When I was a kid, I used to want to play with dolls with my sisters and wanted to wear my mother’s shoes and dresses. I remember always being told that I was not allowed to like those things because “They’re for girls.” It’s a phrase that’s haunted me for most of my life and I always promised myself that when I had children, I would never control what they liked and disliked. Though my nephew is not technically my child, I do babysit him a lot and try to teach him to live freely (as much as you can teach a toddler that).

Last month, I was watching him and I was painting my nails at the kitchen table. He got up to the edge of the table and stood on his tippy-toes to see what I was doing. He asked me what I was doing and I said that I was painting my nails. When he asked why, I just said that it was because I liked it and thought it was pretty. He asked if I could paint his nails for him and without hesitation, I said sure. Right after I painted them, I wiped them off for fear of what my parents would say. But it got me thinking and I realized that gender is a taught behavior. The idea that girls like pink and boys like blue is an idea that is taught to you when you’re young. My greatest fear in teaching children about this ideology is that they grow up being someone they really do not want to be. I know for me personally, I was never forced to like anything but I had to keep what I liked a secret. It was like living in two closets, one for being gay and another for liking dolls, makeup and other “girly” things. I would never want my nephew to grow up in a world like that.

Gender structures are all societal, not biological. The idea that boys play with cars and girls play with dolls are all ideas that were pushed on the older generation and inevitably pushed on to us. I see these issues most prominent in parents with their toddlers because they are still learning what boys are supposed to like and what girls are supposed to like and my question is: why can’t we just let them do what they want? Why can’t we just let them experiment with concepts of masculinity and femininity? It’s frustrating to live in a society so structured that it has turned constricting.

Toddlers are too young to be put in boxes and be told what is for them and what is not for them. I let my nephew run around in princess shoes because if that’s what he likes right now and it’s what makes him happy, then that’s him. There’s nothing you can do to change it.