This past week I took a trip back home to Kentucky and was able to visit my family for the first time in over a year. It was so wonderful to be back in a small town where I could recognize everything and be with my loved ones again. However this trip lead me to have a realization about my life and where I want it to go from here.
Since moving out of my parent’s house I have grown a lot as a person, as most people do when they do to college. Going on a trip with my family, after moving out, seemed more difficult for me than it had been in the past and that forced me to face the fact that I have created a life for myself that is different from the one I was provided with growing up. Then I was faced with a sense of guilt like that is something I should be ashamed of because my parents gave their all the raise me and here I am wanted something very different.
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After some deep thought and of course discussions with my therapist, I have come to the conclusion that there is nothing wrong with wanting something different with your life than what you were raised with as long as you are not resentful towards the way you were raised. The older I become the more I realize that I respect my parents highly as people and acknowledge they did the best they could raising me with what they had. I like to think I turned out pretty good and that they did a stand up job keeping morals instilled in me. What worked for them doesn’t work for me and that is natural because I am a different person who should not be expected to live life the way someone else is telling me to live.
However, there are certain things that have always been hard for me to understand as I grow older. I grew up in a home with no affection whatsoever. I have never seen my parents kiss nor hold hands. I have never seen them cuddle on the couch and watch a TV show or movie together, nor did they on dates to my knowledge. For them this worked, but for me I cannot get behind this way of living. I want my children to see what love is and have no doubt in their mind that their mom and dad love each other. I often struggled with a constant fear that my parents would get divorced, and I never want my children to have that fear. I also will overuse the words “I love you” to my partner and children because my mother though I know she did, never said the words to me until I was 18 and it led to me crying hysterically. Now that I live on my own, I am overtly affectionate and say I love you probably to the point that it’s nauseating, but I enjoy being able to share a physical love with someone as it is comforting.
Another thing I want to change from my past to my future is to have my family do things with one another. Growing up, I have no memory of ever seeing a movie as a family, playing a board game together, or even just going to the store as a group. I always envied families who did these things. I want my children to feel like family time isn’t forced and awkward like I thought it was. I want them to see family time as something that is enjoyable.I remember family vacations ending in tears and spending most of Christmas locked away in my room playing with my toys instead of having family time.
The biggest change I want to make in my future is to have sex and drinking not be a taboo subject. My parents never talked to me about sex, even after my sister became a teen mom. I think that sex education is a very important duty as a parent because otherwise kids learn everything about sex from their friends and the internet. I remember having to google questions because I was so confused. I didn’t even know what a period was when I got my first one at the age of 10. I want my children to feel they can ask my anything even if it may be awkward at times. I never once saw my parents drink nor did I ever see alcohol in the house which led me to believe than any adult who drank was an alcoholic and was going to die. I wish I had better knowledge of alcohol and that it is something fun and enjoyable in moderation instead of something that seemed banned from my house.To me the idea of being a young adult and stumbling home drunk every once in a while with my husband seems romantic and fun, not something that should be shunned. What I have come to realize is hiding information just leads to curious and confused children, which can have a terrible outcome if they begin experiencing without any knowledge. I was lucky enough to have found someone to answer my questions, but many kids aren’t that lucky. I do not want my children to me sheltered the way that I was.
I often find myself telling my family very little about my life. I don’t do drugs nor do I party, yet I still feel the need tot keep very basic things from them as I fear rejection. I started dying my hair and experimenting with makeup and fashion, something I know my parents still wish I didn’t do. When it gets down to the nitty-gritty, I just want my kids to feel accepted by me. I want to be honest with them about the mistakes I have made so they can learn from them.
I love my parents dearly. The raised a hell of a woman, however this woman just needs to start her own path.
