It took me a while to realize I had insomnia. I thought that people who had insomnia must have worse problems than mine. I pictured people staying awake all night, tossing and turning, never able to find the sweet relief of sleep. Then I realized that was me.
It was called secondary insomnia, which is insomnia directly related to another problem – my issues with depression and anxiety. Before, I’d been able to fall asleep in the blink of an eye. It had always been a quality I admired about myself. I’d get into bed, and then I’d sleep just like that. But now I would lie there, my mind racing, heart beating fast. I would know that I wouldn’t be able to sleep. I couldn’t tell you how, but it was a feeling in my chest, and it was never wrong.
I tried everything. I tired myself out as best I could. I tried mindfulness and breathing exercises. I cut myself off of caffeine almost completely, and any other drug was out of the question anyway. It was all fruitless.
My final solution was to go to bed early and then take melatonin, effectively getting me to sleep after an hour or so. Even then, any noise or light prevented me from sleeping. It’s one of the worst feelings, I think – counting down the hours, knowing you won’t be able to fall asleep, knowing that you’ll be tired tomorrow.
Since the insomnia set in, I’ve been very good at napping. I can nap anywhere. I nap on buses, with people talking to me, with lights on – pretty much everywhere. But I can’t sleep. Sleeping, real sleeping, at a good time of night, seems to evade me.
I don’t understand it. Maybe it’s a mental block. But it’s definitely made me realize how important sleep is.
Sleep is when my body gets to relax. Sleep is when my brain repairs itself. Sleep helps me feel better and more like myself. I feel the most relaxed when I wake up after a full night of sleep, refreshed and ready for the day ahead.
Which is why I think that insomnia of any sort is a terrible disease. It hurts you slowly – not in the obvious ways, but in the ways of impairing normal functioning, and many people don’t take it seriously. And also, there’s no cure. Most sleeping pills have addictive properties or harmful side effects. There are natural remedies, but most aren’t completely effective.
Every night, I curse my insomnia. And every night, I wish for sleep. Soon, it will come to me.
