I’ve never been the physically active type. I played a few sports here and there, but I always hated running and sweating. As a result, I’ve been overweight most of my life. Add on untreated hypothyroidism for four years and binge eating disorder, and you have a recipe for poor health.

I’ve always preferred crafting, reading, acting, or just plain vegging out. Sports bored me and I thought gyms were for athletes so I always counted myself out. But since I turned 22, I’ve had some serious health issues. I fell down the stairs last year and had a huge hematoma on my back hip. I slipped on some ice in my driveway and smashed my knee cap on the ground. I ate it at Sunny’s and bruised my other knee cap on the dancefloor. My joints have been aching and I’m always tired. I have no energy and my depression is getting worse.

So to protect myself from getting worse, I joined a gym. Then I signed up for a personal trainer to hold myself accountable. My personal trainer is amazing and I love working with her. She’s always friendly and encouraging. She created a diet plan, gym routine, and goal plan for the next year. Her work has really helped me identify a few weak spots in my motivation, but also helped me understand what I do like about being active.

What I Like About the Gym:

The feeling of accomplishment. Nothing feels better than making progress. When I first went to the gym, I couldn’t do much of anything without needing a break. I couldn’t even make it through 10 crunches, let alone the set of 60 she wanted me to do. But two months into this endeavor, I can do all 60 with maybe two or three breaks.

When I accomplish the seemingly impossible, the rush of pride really keeps me wanting to go back. I struggle the whole time I’m working through my routines, but by the end of it, I feel like I can do anything. This is the only time I ever feel like this and it fights my depression more than anything else. This feeling is the best, and I never would have known that it helps me without the help of my trainer.

What I Don’t Like About the Gym:

The process of getting ready and getting home. It’s an hour every time I want to go. When I first joined the gym, I joined with my boyfriend who lives 15 to 30 minutes from me. We picked a location in-between our houses and it’s a good 15 minutes from my house even still. Changing and getting ready for the gym takes about 10 to 15 minutes. Driving home and showering is about half an hour, or more. I can’t rationalize a trip to the gym as a quick workout, because no matter what it’s going to be an hour or longer. And now that he dropped his membership, I’m driving that whole way and doing all of this by myself.

I’m supposed to go to the gym every day on my plan, but right now, I’m really only going the days I have appointments with my trainer. I’m great at finding excuses-- work, doctor’s appointments, plans with my boyfriend. And it’s stupid. I know it’s stupid. Working out fights my depression and makes me feel great, even though I am sweating by the end of it and achy the next day.

I know that not going disappoints my trainer. Not following my plan is interfering with progress. I want to get better, and staying out of the gym is letting my depression win. It makes me feel worse. But knowing that progress happens in small steps and I’m definitely better than I was when I started and I’m almost over the hump of getting into a routine is helping me. But I’m struggling and that struggle is getting the best of my right now.

But it’s been said that the greater the struggle, the greater the triumph, so here’s to progress.