When I was 16, I was diagnosed with an eating disorder called EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified), meaning that I basically had all eating disorders in one. When I was 18, I tattooed the National Eating Disorder Association symbol tattooed on my right forearm. The difference between those two events is that one was a secret, such a shameful thing that it was hidden. The other was a show of power, of release and of acceptance that my eating disorder was okay.
Being 16 and wanting to be out getting my license and cruising with my friends with all the windows down, sitting outside with ice cream, going to the beach, mindlessly enjoying my youth in high school doesn't mix well with needing to spend a third of your day in a hospital while you're being watched over to make sure you're eating your hospital spaghetti. It took me months to tell anyone, I just disappeared from school and came back mindlessly, never opening my mouth. I felt like a nut job just saying that I had an eating disorder, like I'd be "that girl who went to the mental hospital." I just wish some people knew what it was like, to be so ashamed not to tell a soul, but suffer so much.
I just wish everyone knew. I wish they understood what it was like to physically be in pain eating because your body rejected food. I wish they knew what it was like to be so scared to eat a single scoop of birthday cake custard that you start to uncontrollably shake and cry because you trained yourself to think that it would physically hurt you if you ate it. I wish they knew what it was like to watch your friends live a bright, sunny life outside of your hospital window. I wish they knew what it was like to be in mental turmoil because you need to learn to trust yourself, but also not trust yourself at all.
I also wish they never know. They should never feel the stomach pains, the joint pain, the dizzy spells. They should never feel a swollen esophagus from forced vomiting. They should never fear a food court when at the mall or fear family birthday dinners because you need to go out to eat. They should never live the rest of their life always being haunted by an eating disorder that never will fully go away, ever. Even after recovery, a person living with an eating disorder still needs to keep on the look out for relapse or old behaviors, as this disease never fully leaves one's mind. They should never feel the pain that an eating disorder causes you.
I started off my recovery process ashamed and disheartened by my diagnosis, feeling trapped and hopeless because I'm stuck with that term for the rest of my life. So after all this depressing, deep talk about how awful of a time this recovery process was, why on earth would I get that symbol tattooed on my forearm to see for the rest of my life? While I wish no one else suffers, I also wish they know what it felt like to eat fries for the first time and not plan when and where I'd be throwing them up later. I hope they know the rush it was that I could eat and not have a mental calculator always clicking up the numbers of calories. I wish one day they feel the pride I felt when I could openly admit food wasn't my enemy anymore, but my biggest fuel for success. I was so proud of my diagnosis because it didn't define me anymore. It simply became a part of me, not me. Getting that symbol on my arm was me openly telling the world, whether it understood the symbol or not, that I am diagnosed and responsible for how I live my life from now on, and I chose to be a survivor and live my life how a normal 16, 17, 18, or (now) 19-year-old should.
I want no one to feel my pain and suffering and downward spiral it was to be so deep in my eating disorder that I was ashamed and drowning in my diagnosis. I do, on the other hand, want everyone to feel pride in themselves and where they've come from pain and suffring, no matter how big or how small. I want everyone to know that feeling.
