You’re single?

You haven’t met anyone?

But you’re so pretty, you should have a boyfriend!

Wait, you don’t want one?

Well, why not?

These are a few of the things I hear from those around me constantly. My family, friends, hell even strangers, are so thrown off when I tell them that I’m not looking to be with anyone right now. The expression on their faces is shocking and by the tone in their voices, you would think something is wrong with me.

But nothing is wrong with me.

You see, I've always had a habit of planning my life around another person - for the first time in forever, I’m not. I’ve only really had one love and for the longest time, he was my number one priority. I placed his wants and his needs above my own. You could argue that I loved him more than I loved myself. He so easily changed my mood or affected my thoughts with the tiniest gesture. The way I acted, how I talked, the way I dressed, how I styled my hair, which road I took home, it was all influenced by him and his interests. My life was his.

I allowed him to walk all over me and I blamed myself for everything — for why he came in and out of my life, for why we argued, for why he ended up in the arms of another girl. I was so hard on myself. I wanted nothing more than for him to see me as beautiful and worthy of his affection. Worthy. OK.

He held a ridiculous amount of power over me, and I let him control me and belittle me until I wasn’t even a person anymore - I was his little puppet. He made me feel weak and damaged. When he saw me, all he could see were my “mistakes” and I kept finding ways to apologize for disappointing him. In his eyes I was just some stupid girl who so desperately wanted to give him everything he wanted, but couldn’t. No matter what I was doing, I just wanted to hear “I’m so proud of you,” as though that would make everything alright. How disgusting is that?

When I lived in New York in the fall, I met a girl who I became good friends with and she understood the situation I found myself trapped in more than anyone else I had met there. While we were out one Friday night, she looked at me and asked, “Why don’t you love yourself?” Her question startled me and I wasn’t quite sure what she meant by it. It came out of nowhere and I stared at her as she continued. “What’s so wrong with you? Why don’t you think you’re enough? Don’t you realize that you deserve better?” One day you’re going to find yourself so exhausted and you’ll walk away because he’s not going to change and it’s not going to get better. I just wish you would realize this now. You are worth so much more than he makes you out to be.”

I didn’t have an answer to her questions, and I usually tried to justify the fact that I was continuously choosing someone who was never choosing me, but this time I couldn’t cling to any of the hundred excuses I’ve used in the past. I stared at her for a really long time and it was the first time where I cut the bulls**t because she was right. Ever since that night, I ask myself those same questions at least a thousand times a day. She completely changed my perspective and it was a wake up call. I knew I loved him and I knew I wanted to make him happy but I never took a step back to realize that he was holding all the cards. I was allowing him to have a say in every aspect of my life and I never stopped to see that that is not OK. I settled for something that cannot even be considered a relationship. I deserve so much more than 2 a.m. texts, six-second snapchats, and someone fading in and out of my life depending on their mood. I understand now that I should’ve walked away a long time ago and though I wish I did, I’m OK knowing that I didn’t because I needed to get to a low point in order to reclaim my life and make a change. That night and that conversation is the reason I am where I am today, and I’m so thankful for it. I know now that I was built for far better things in this life and I do not need him by my side to tell me who I am.

When people question my relationship status, I get annoyed because they have no idea how much work it has taken to be content being by myself and they don’t understand how long it took to cut ties with someone who was so damaging to my well-being. Within the last few months, I've learned more about myself then ever and I've discovered new passions. I've met so many incredible people and built some amazing friendships. Each day, I wake up and decide how I want to spend my time without someone telling me what I should be doing. Putting myself first is a choice I make constantly now and it has certainly not been easy but that's OK. I’m so proud of the person I’ve become because I have fought so hard to be her.

For the time being, I'm not dating. It makes me sick to think that I was ever so dependent on another person and I refuse to allow that to happen again so right now, I'm choosing me. I’m choosing Brianna. That is who I want to be with. Could I meet someone tomorrow, or next week, or in three months? Absolutely, and if he's the right person, I won’t turn him away but until then, I'm more than happy being by myself.