My phone has taken over. I like to say that I’m not dependent on it, that I can leave it at home, turn it off, get rid of it all together, whenever I like. That’s a straight up lie, I need my phone just as much as my peers. This tiny piece of technology that cost so much money has complete control over me; I am at the will of its Wi-Fi connection, its perfectly non-cracked screen, and its battery life. Without it, I don’t know where I would be; or what I would do, I wouldn't know how to feel.
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Fighting my phone for my freedom is a downward battle. Deep down I am aware that I use my phone on a daily basis more than any healthy person should use their phone, ever. I use my phone so much because my interactions with this tiny, expensive piece of technology controls my emotions, my every thought. In a way I feel like I am at fault for giving my phone so much power. I know how terrible my phone can make me feel, and yet I buy into the different situations that encourage these feelings.
I post a Snapchat story because I think I look good in the picture or because I think the event is worth sharing, but I don’t get satisfaction from it until my phone tells me that one specific person viewed it. I need my phone to report to me that someone pressed their thumb to my name on their screen before I can appreciate my post. The times that I do see their name on the list my phone presents me with, the satisfaction isn’t as great as I remembered it being last time. I still feel lousy for using my phone so much and consider deleting Snapchat altogether, maybe that will solve my problem.
I turn my phone off when I go to dinner with my friends or I leave my phone in my dorm room when we walk to Target Express because I want to be present in my life at school. Instead of living my life on my phone, talking to everyone from home that I miss, I want to be aware of my surroundings and enjoy my physical life in College Park, not my digital one all over the place. My phone never reminds me that I’m at school, not at home, and I love it. I enjoy my time at dinner or Target Express, I enjoy the moments, but that doesn’t overpower how bad I feel when I turn my phone back on or check it when I get back to the dorms and I don’t see the notifications I was hoping for after so much time apart from it.
Disappointments like these put me in terrible moods that I can’t escape. Moods like these remind me that my connection to my phone is dragging me down into a negative spiral. My phone gives me almost constant amusement, and when it doesn’t, I’m angry at it. When the person I want isn’t giving me constant communication, I’m hurt. When my phone dies earlier than 1% battery, I’m betrayed. I'm not ok with how I allow my phone to control my feelings. I don’t know how I’m going to stop being dependent on my phone, but one day, I will. I will take over control of my life and my emotions, technology will not run my life.
