Anytime I go any sort of party, I almost never look forward to it.

The first time I realized I had a problem with large groups of people, was when I went to a club for the first time during my Freshman year of college – granted, there were many factors that went into me having a bad time, but I distinctively remember having my first full blown panic attack outside the club, mostly because I couldn’t stand the environment.

Over the weekend, I went to a “Friendsgiving” with my boyfriend, of which one of his new friends was hosting. I was already nervous, so of course I spent four hours cooking delicious food, in order to impress people and get a conversation started – yes, I look for conversation starters literally days before going to a party.

When we arrived at the party, it was far worse than I had imagined. Set in an a dark Maine forest, a small hand-built house stood deep within the backroads of my boyfriend’s hometown. The people there, none of which I knew, were welcoming – many said “welcome to Friendsgiving! We’re all friends here!” some tried to talk to me, some (through half slurred speech) tried striking up semi-awkward but highly appreciated conversation. After finding the residential Dog at the Party, I kept thinking about how badly I would rather be on my phone or petting the dog, than sitting alone and awkward in an extremely hot / humid and cramped room of thirty-plus strangers.

And the worst part is? This is what it’s like for me to go to any party. I’m always terrified of having to talk to strangers, make small talk that I have to carefully choose each of my words, sit on my phone and pretend that I have a signal and hoping to god my battery doesn’t die in the next hour.

I hate parties. I hate big get togethers with people I don’t know. I hate having to find my way past a crowd of people to get somewhere, to have to yell to “pass the chicken!” or stalk out the bathroom for a place to hide for a solid 10 minutes (tops).

I need a buddy to go with me to parties, where they won’t abandon me. I need a pet to snuggle so it looks like I’m actually doing something, and not choosing to ignore people. And you know what the frustrating part is? I want to be like all the other people at these parties. I want to be able to strike up conversation or to be comfortable drinking my anxiety away just enough to be the friendliest, fakest person I can be. And yet, all I think is “I don’t want to be here”, “I hate you” and “Amory, don’t cry”. In the end, I know all of these emotions and thoughts are baseless and brought out solely upon me being uncomfortable and blaming others – but still. It’s a process to get past my inhibitions, and seek the confidence an ability for me to exactly that – that have fun and trust my friend’s friends. Sometimes you may just need a wakeup call or a reality check to bring you down from these emotions.