I was 15 years old when I met my soulmate in a freshman biology class. He was cute, funny, athletic, smart, kind, and he thought I was all those things too. Basically, he was everything a teenage girl is looking for. So naturally when he asked me to be his girlfriend one afternoon in between classes, what could I say other than, “sure!” At the time I had no idea that I was agreeing to start one of the greatest adventures I’d ever go on.

You weren’t just my best friend, you were my other half. When someone told me a secret they always knew that meant you heard it too. When I craved strawberry ice cream with brownies, you were waiting outside with a pint and a spoon. When all I wanted to do was cry and give up, you held me so tight and spoke to me so softly, I felt I could take on the world. So when it came time to chose a college our hearts were confused. You knew that if I ever wanted to heal I had to get out of that town and make something of myself, but I knew how badly you wanted to be selfish. I knew how badly you wanted to scream at me not to go, and I watched the anguish on your face as you held it in. I loved you so much, but I had to get out of there, and I thank God that you loved me enough to help pack the bags.

Long-distance is hard. People tell you it’s hard, but they never tell you exactly how hard it is. There were so many days when all I wanted was to just cry in your arms again and have you tell me that everything was going to be ok. All throughout high school, all I had ever identified as was “me and you.” If I went somewhere, you went too. If I got an award, you got it too. So naturally if I went to school somewhere, I guess people thought you would too.

I went to college 2,000 miles from home for a reason. I wanted to start over, and I got that. None of these people knew me or the girl I was in high school, all they knew was the volleyball player from California who spent a lot of time in her room watching repeats of Friends and waiting for her boyfriend to call. I looked forward to Sundays the most because that’s when, if we found the time, we could skype for a few hours, and I would finally get to see your face again. I never wanted to go out, because I felt guilt. I knew you wanted me to go out and make friends, but why would I need to meet other people? I already had my person. I went out when you would make me, but other than that I simply spent most of my first year counting down the days until I got to see you again.

The first year went by insanely slow, and much like every other freshman in their first year of college I was miserable. I loved you so much and all I wanted was to be near you more, so I started looking into transferring. The long-distance was getting harder, and at this point, I had seen you for less than a total of 8 weeks in the past year. I couldn’t take it anymore. I wasn’t going to be able to play volleyball at his school, but it was a sacrifice I was willing to make. Of course, he talked me out of it, and we prepared for sophomore year.

I only got to see you for about a week before I left for the second year, and it was an incredible week. You always left my heart so full of joy, but every goodbye took such a toll on me. Arriving on campus the second year felt different. I had spent the majority of the summer at home without you, and it was a different experience. I cried to you and explained that this was not the town I grew up in, these were not the people I remember. You were quick to point out that maybe it wasn’t everyone else that was changing, it was me. You were right. I always felt so sad at school without you, but being home without you made me realize how much more miserable I was there. So when I arrived on campus for my sophomore year, I was thankful to be ‘home’. I knew I couldn’t go back to where I grew up anymore, so I was determined to make the next year at home a better one.

I found myself going out more, I met new people, I lost weight, I was writing again, I stopped waiting for your calls, and I started having fun. I started realizing who I thought I was was no where near who I wanted to be. I was 19 years old and talking about getting married right out of college. I was 19 years old and wishing college would go by faster. College is supposed to be the best years of your life, and I wanted them to be gone already. That’s when I knew I was making a mistake.

Please don’t misunderstand me, you never made me feel like I didn’t have to have fun because of you. If anything you always encouraged me to meet new people and have a good time. I just never felt I could. You were my other half, and that was just the problem. I woke up one morning having no idea who I was anymore. That was the morning I had the most painful conversation of my life.

That morning I decided that before I wanted to fully commit to anyone I needed to figure out who I was, because you deserved that. I needed to go out and explore. I needed to break some hearts and have my heart broken. I needed to get lost, learn about suffering, and experience independence. And I did. For most of my adult life I had been identified as “me and you”, so I had no idea what it meant to just be “me”. I know you don’t always believe me, but I needed to find out who I was before I could give that person to someone else. I realized that for so many years I had asked you to save me, when I needed to learn how to save myself.

My love, words cannot express how incredibly sorry I am that I hurt you. I would have done anything to help take that pain from you, this was just something that I had to do, and it’s something I’m still doing. We have been apart for over a year now, and I have learned more about myself in this past year, than I have in the previous 19, and I know you have too. You claim I’m not the girl you fell in love with, and you’re right: I’m more than that. You are not the 15-year-old boy I fell in love with that summer either, but that’s ok. I am so incredibly sorry, but I need you to know I would never take it back.

4 1/2 years: That’s how long I got to love you. 4 1/2 years of dates, beach trips, tickle fights, forehead kisses, laughter, companionship, and happiness. You were one of the greatest things to ever happen to me, and no one can ever take that from us. Right now, I’m just still trying to learn how to love myself, because I deserve that. Before high school I prayed to God every day asking for a friend to help me through it all and He gave me you. You were everything I needed then and more. There still isn’t a night that goes by that I don’t thank Him for that. I know you’re out there doing amazing things, and I am so happy that you’re running again. Just know that through it all, I never stopped loving you, and I probably never will. My only hope is that one day when you find yourself, you think about that girl in your freshman biology class who always made you laugh.