It started out in small doses. The first time I felt it was when I said goodbye to my nephew a couple days before I had to leave. Being able to spend a day with him once a week was a blessing. Having that taken away from me made me feel robbed; him only being a year and a half old, hes learning and doing so much everyday. I hate missing out on seeing how he develops into the crazy little boy he will be. Even on my fall and Thanksgiving breaks I could see he was already more animated than before. I was also really scared he'd end up forgetting about me. We FaceTime every week, but it's just not the same. Not being a part of his life so early on hurts, but I'm just counting down the days until I can see him every week again.
The second time I felt it was before the drive leaving home; two cars full of my "stuff", but leaving everything I knew and had behind. It hit me hard when I was saying goodbye to my grandma. Being able to see her everyday was a blessing. The connection between a kid and their grandma is just different; it's a bond that can't be replaced. Making her proud is important to me, and not just in school. I especially feel it whenever I cook or bake something new and she likes it. That makes me feel like I'm giving back sort of; treating her for all the times she's treated me in life, even though I'd never be able to beat her.
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Now I've felt it everyday since mid September, when my boyfriend made a trip to visit me. Saying goodbye to him is something I never like doing, even when it was just him leaving for the night and I'd get to see him again the next day. What makes it worse is when I wake up, I still have the thought at the back of my mind, "I can't wait to see him today," like there isn't a solid five hours distance between us and he's still just a 15 minute drive away. This time in our lives is so crucial to both of us and we can't even be together to support each other.
I hate missing out on all of their lives. Sure, texting and phone calls make it a bit easier, but it can never beat spending actual time with them. Being so stressed from school and being far away is one thing, but having no physical support is adding a million more weights on top of it all. Talking about struggling or my problems isn't easy to do over the phone, it feels so empty. Having that face to face contact is crucial in giving support. At least then it feels like someone is actually there for you. You can't give a hug or be held over the phone.
Over the course of this first semester I've learned a lot about myself. I know that I can take care and live on my own, that was easy enough. But being away from people I'm close with is not doable. It's making my college experience worse than it should be.
As for now, I just have to make it to Christmas break, where I can spend an entire month back home and not feel rushed out after a couple days. Wish me luck.
