Lifting isn’t just for football players and bodybuilders anymore! Fitness is a craze and so many guys are jumping on the bandwagon lately. How cool is it that with time and dedication, you can turn your body into a work of art and sculpt it however you please with the help of diet and exercise? The human body is aesthetic and fascinating and finding new lengths to push it to is beautiful because it takes hard work and patience.
But… shit.
Now girls want in on it too? Stop the presses, isn’t that nasty? Muscle… on the female body? HELL. YES.
Women need to work out, men. And some damn good reasons are listed below.
1. If a woman has weak arms, how is she going to carry your groceries?
How is a woman going to keep up on her classic duties like carrying in the groceries from her minivan and pushing a cart around a store if she doesn’t have arm day and do cardio a couple times a week??
2. How’s she going to carry your children in her womb?
Without squats and spin class, your feeble little lady might buckle under the weight of carrying your spawn. If she’s on bed rest from weak legs, she can’t grocery shop or make you a sandwich! Think of all the potentially lost gains that could occur without proper nutrition in your diet…
3. Bearing said children.
If your feeble little pregnant lady doesn’t do ab day three times a week, then HOW is she going to push children as big as your super ego out?! The lower abdominal area is hard to target, but you already know that, so you’d better start her on reverse crunches ASAP.
4. When you’re busy at the gym, who will protect your mom from burglars?
If your mom doesn’t have basic kick boxing skills or good legs from sprints, how will she defend herself from home invaders, or worse - a stranger in a dark alley? Exactly, so get her on a treadmill and install a speed bag in her kitchen (where she spends most of her time, anyway) as soon as you get done reading this.
5. Girls with muscles are revolting to the male population.
You wouldn’t want all your homies staring at your girlfriend (if you ever even get one), would you? Bulk that girl up so she can’t attract anyone better than you. You dig her for her personality anyway.
6. Since you’re so hot from working out, who’s going to save you from thirsty girls?
If your girlfriend (we get it, you don’t have one, just play along) doesn’t lift, how will you defend yourself against evil temptresses? We can’t expect a weak-minded man like you to ward them off, now can we? Especially since real men wouldn’t lay their hands on a woman, even if she tries to attack you with her lovin’.
7. As the wise Elle Woods once said…
“Exercise gives you endorphins [natural, happy hormones, not steroids for all the meatheads out there]. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don’t shoot their husbands, they just don’t.”
BRO. You can’t have an angry, exercise deprived woman trying to kill you! So go get a special woman in your life (have fun finding one) a gym membership today!
There you have it, a completely satirical approach to normalizing females with muscle.
A {disclaiming} note to everyone: As I stated previously, the human body is a work of art. Your unique body is aesthetic and pleasing to the eye. Men and women alike – Love you. Love every curve or every straight. Love every bump, lump, freckle, and scar. And if there is something about yourself you don’t like, just know that there is always a healthy approach to either changing the way it looks or changing the way you look at it.
